I found out today, that an online friend died. She was a member of bipolarworld.com. So am I.
I am not sure how I should feel. I only talked to her a few times. The thing is, I tried so hard to help her. I brought that to e2. Mama Susie
helped so much. That night was not in vain. Keeping her alive for that much longer gave people the oppurtunity to know it was coming, and to come to terms with it. To say goodbye.
The following is a letter I wrote to her today, and a modified version of what I posted on the message board on bpw.
I know you’ve left this world, I know you cannot read this letter, but I have to write it anyway. Perhaps you can read it, no one really knows for sure what happens after we leave this world, and even if you can’t, well, at least I know I wrote it, and I put these things into words.
I never really knew you all that well. I’d seen you in the chatroom, #bipolarworld. We’d chatted there a bit. Not a whole lot though. Then one night you came in, I know when it was, I have the logs of the conversation. You were not doing well at all. You were talking of suicide. We knew you weren’t going to die that night, not from the pills you had already taken. What you took could have hurt you bad, however. There were not many people in the chat room at the time. I was one of the few. None of us were able to call 911 for various reasons. We found a way though. We may have done wrong, someone in the chat gave me your information, real name, home address, and phone number. That was a betrayal of your trust, I suppose, but it was done to help you. We didn’t want you to get hurt.
After that night I talked to you once. You asked me for the logs. I emailed them to you. I told you I was sorry. I told you I was just trying to help. You said you would never speak to me again. You were very angry with me. I was sure you hated me.
I became afraid. I stopped going to the chatroom. I went in a couple times under an alias, so you wouldn’t know it was me. And you talked about me. You said some really mean things. It upset me. You made me very frightened when you talked about finding jbirdy and making her pay your hospital bills and at one point you said you wanted to punish jbirdy. I do understand. I don’t think you ever could have hurt me or ever really wanted to, and you had good reason to be angry. I would have been angry if you had done the same to me. I just hope you know that we did it out of love for you, because we care about you.
In a way, I am glad you left this world. Not because of fear of you, but because your death means you are no longer suffering here. I know, as well as everyone at bipolarworld, how horrible this disease can be. The depression. The mania. The rapid cycles. The mixed states. The loneliness. The pain. It’s difficult. The feeling alone even among people who care. So many of us have felt these things, and many more. It is understandable that the need to leave this world has invading so many of our thoughts. I found out you were gone when someone in the chatroom asked “how did gershon die?” I had not been paying much attention to the room but began crying immediately. I was both sad, wishing I could have helped you, and glad, because I know you are in a better place now.
My biggest hope is that you knew we cared and that you died with little or no pain. I hope you understood we would have helped you more if we knew how. I also hope you know that we are not angry at you for leaving, but are sad. You will be greatly missed. By myself, by everyone on bipolarworld, and by many others. More people cared about you that you will ever know.
You were loved, and always will be. Goodbye.