No, Actually I Despise Everything2
Heartache, headache, thy name is Everything2!
What on earth would possess a mature person with a modicum of intelligence to sit at
a computer for hours at a time reading and writing (astoundingly, absent any financial compensation!) when there're things to be
done. Important things. Things like:
- Eating doughnuts.
- Buffing my fingernails.
- Sorting supermarket coupons and putting them in an organizer.
- Watching daisies grow.
- Examining my belly-button lint.
Well, I'll tell you. It's addictive. There's some sort of chemical or high-technology
signal sent out by the website that defies the laws of physics.
How often have I heard my significant other cry out, "Honey, are you on
that damned computer again!" She now has a support group of Internet widows
she chats with regularly. Not unlike a member of Al-Anon, she no longer looks
on helplessly, crying out for attention, but rather has learned to "detach with love."
Suffice it to say I expect a State Marshal to knock upon my door
any day now and serve me with the documents every married person fears
like the Plague.
So many of the thankless whelps who populate the site are so tremendously smarter than I, I now have a significant inferiority complex. I mean, I feel intellectually small in the presence of people who are capable of having a technical conversation with Stephen Hawking.
This site has also warped my view of politics. My friends have
forsaken me because my Conservative views have given way to a more Liberal
mode of thinking. I've even considered voting Democrat in the November
election (Heaven forbid!)
I can no longer stare into a store window display or otherwise sight-see
without my train of thought being interrupted by a voice in my head whispering,
"That'd be teh nodeshell!"
Misspellings, typos, poor grammar and other errata in books, magazines and
other printed materials now stand out to me and make me as uncomfortable as
would a big red zit on my nose the morning of an important business meeting.
When asked to say a little about myself at a business networking reception, I
refused and asserted that I didn't want to engage in "GTKY-speak."
Since being doomed to endless toil at the computer screen, my once-healthy
diet now consists of junk food snacks and copious amounts of coffee. Despite the
coffee, I occasionally fall into a blissful sleep, only to have nightmares about
my writeups being nuked. When I awake with a start, in a cold sweat, I'm once
again faced by the computer. It may be displaying a screen saver at the
moment, but the instant I touch the mouse, E2 will be there. No doubt, there'll
also be a hundred or more messages in my inbox.
The others hopelessly caught in E2's gaping maw do a fine job at acting
cheerful. They've even come to my emotional aid, foiling attempts to end all my suffering on not one but
two occasions. E2 even followed me into my father's hospital room as he lay
dying. A group of noders telephoned from a nodermeet in Great Britain at great
personal expense to ask how I was doing. I mean, how annoying is that?!
Amazingly, nearly every one of the E2ers accepts me as I am, complete with
opinions, faults, and insight. How can this be? How can the legions of clean-cut
college students find anything in common with a fat, graying old man? They
manage to, somehow.
I gotta add that I've "met" some of the loveliest people I've ever had the privilege of getting to know right here on E2. These people and this fellowship are a source of great joy for me.
So to summarize, I hate it, but am hopelessly doomed to continue the vicious
cycle of reading, writing, reading, writing, reading, writing...