6:45 AM - Hit snooze button. Saudi Arabia mumbles, "Too early."
 7:00 AM - Put on Hawaiian shirt and Dockers.  Go downstairs for coffee.
 7:15 AM - Turn on TV morning show, just in time to miss the news.  Check out
           Britney Spears singing in Times Square.
 7:25 AM - Eat toast.  Read newspaper: first the comics, then the sports section.
 7:30 AM - Canada waltzes in from upstairs and out the door, stopping only to grab
           a croissant from the counter.
 7:45 AM - Pack briefcase and head for work.  Kiss little Philippines on the head, and
           yell at Mexico over the fence for letting his dog bark all night.
 7:50 AM - Stop for gas.  Only Techron goes in the USA's tank.
 7:56 AM - Accelerate rapidly into the carpool lane, cutting off France in the process.
           He honks his horn loudly, but can't catch up in that little Citroen of his.
 8:00 AM - Turn on favorite talk radio show to learn about what those pesky liberals are
           up to.
 8:30 AM - Arrive at office.  Give keys to Haiti and tell him to take care of the car.
 8:35 AM - Secretary says that France is on the line.  Tell secretary that the United States
           is in an important meeting.  Get more coffee.
 8:40 AM - Receive e-mail from Andy Rooney about the evils of peanut butter.  Delete.
 8:50 AM - India calls looking for money.  "What do you expect me to do, pull it out of my
           ass?"  "Uh, yes," India says.  Hang up on India.
 9:00 AM - Japan shows up wanting to sell some camcorders.  After an extensive dialogue,
           it becomes clear that he wants to swap said camcorders for F-15 Eagles.
 9:25 AM - Japan is talked down to five F-4 Phantoms and a few more blocks of Honolulu.
           Everybody shakes hands on the deal and disperses.
 9:30 AM - Break to watch Jerry Springer.
10:00 AM - Switch from Springer to Regis and Kelly.  France calls back again, apparently
           unaware that Regis and Kelly are on.
10:45 AM - Saudi Arabia calls.  "I went to bed with a prince and woke up with a monster!"
10:50 AM - Head to Starbucks for a venti frappucino, covered with something gooey.
11:00 AM - Finish half of said frappucino, and throw out the other half.
11:05 AM - Rush to TV for update on JonBenet Ramsey case.  The update is that there is no
11:10 AM - Think to self, "What the hell does 'venti' mean?"
11:11 AM - Begin conference call with England and Spain.
11:30 AM - England breaks for tea, and Spain breaks for sex.  Break for Montel Williams.
12:00 PM - Israel comes into the office.
 1:00 PM - Israel agrees to go away in exchange for a $700 million aid guarantee.  Write
           check, despite knowing that there is no money in the checking account.
 1:15 PM - 5,000-calorie lunch break, spent discussing The Osbournes with New Zealand.
 1:45 PM - Syria is waiting in the office, apparently tipped off by Saudi.
 1:46 PM - Attack Syria.
 2:00 PM - Call Saudi Arabia at home.  "We'll just say this is a misunderstanding, okay?"
 2:10 PM - Russia and Italy show up, grab Syria's body, and stuff it in the trunk of their
           Lincoln Continental.
 2:15 PM - Israel calls, sounding suspiciously innocent.
 2:20 PM - France calls, sounding even more suspiciously innocent.
 2:35 PM - Call up Colt and order new handguns.
 2:40 PM - Colombia shows up with a fresh shipment of marching powder.
 2:52 PM - Lebanon calls, begging for money in Syria's absence.
 2:55 PM - Tell Lebanon to call France.
 3:00 PM - Coffee break.  Crack a few jokes around the water cooler with Australia.
 3:10 PM - Dash off a memo to the United Nations saying that the check is in the mail.
 3:15 PM - Meeting with Germany, who wants to sell more BMW's to people who can't drive.
 4:02 PM - Ink $50 million deal with Germany.
 4:10 PM - Leave office for happy hour with Australia and Ireland.
 6:45 PM - Call Saudi: "I'll be home soon, honey."
 9:00 PM - Frantic make-out session with China underneath table.
10:35 PM - Arrive home.  Saudi smells booze and becomes furious, vowing that no oil will flow
10:45 PM - Booty call from Israel.  Make reservations at the Motel 6.