6:45 AM - Hit snooze button. Saudi Arabia mumbles, "Too early."
7:00 AM - Put on Hawaiian shirt and Dockers. Go downstairs for coffee.
7:15 AM - Turn on TV morning show, just in time to miss the news. Check out
Britney Spears singing in Times Square.
7:25 AM - Eat toast. Read newspaper: first the comics, then the sports section.
7:30 AM - Canada waltzes in from upstairs and out the door, stopping only to grab
a croissant from the counter.
7:45 AM - Pack briefcase and head for work. Kiss little Philippines on the head, and
yell at Mexico over the fence for letting his dog bark all night.
7:50 AM - Stop for gas. Only Techron goes in the USA's tank.
7:56 AM - Accelerate rapidly into the carpool lane, cutting off France in the process.
He honks his horn loudly, but can't catch up in that little Citroen of his.
8:00 AM - Turn on favorite talk radio show to learn about what those pesky liberals are
8:30 AM - Arrive at office. Give keys to Haiti and tell him to take care of the car.
8:35 AM - Secretary says that France is on the line. Tell secretary that the United States
is in an important meeting. Get more coffee.
8:40 AM - Receive e-mail from Andy Rooney about the evils of peanut butter. Delete.
8:50 AM - India calls looking for money. "What do you expect me to do, pull it out of my
ass?" "Uh, yes," India says. Hang up on India.
9:00 AM - Japan shows up wanting to sell some camcorders. After an extensive dialogue,
it becomes clear that he wants to swap said camcorders for F-15 Eagles.
9:25 AM - Japan is talked down to five F-4 Phantoms and a few more blocks of Honolulu.
Everybody shakes hands on the deal and disperses.
9:30 AM - Break to watch Jerry Springer.
10:00 AM - Switch from Springer to Regis and Kelly. France calls back again, apparently
unaware that Regis and Kelly are on.
10:45 AM - Saudi Arabia calls. "I went to bed with a prince and woke up with a monster!"
10:50 AM - Head to Starbucks for a venti frappucino, covered with something gooey.
11:00 AM - Finish half of said frappucino, and throw out the other half.
11:05 AM - Rush to TV for update on JonBenet Ramsey case. The update is that there is no
11:10 AM - Think to self, "What the hell does 'venti' mean?"
11:11 AM - Begin conference call with England and Spain.
11:30 AM - England breaks for tea, and Spain breaks for sex. Break for Montel Williams.
12:00 PM - Israel comes into the office.
1:00 PM - Israel agrees to go away in exchange for a $700 million aid guarantee. Write
check, despite knowing that there is no money in the checking account.
1:15 PM - 5,000-calorie lunch break, spent discussing The Osbournes with New Zealand.
1:45 PM - Syria is waiting in the office, apparently tipped off by Saudi.
1:46 PM - Attack Syria.
2:00 PM - Call Saudi Arabia at home. "We'll just say this is a misunderstanding, okay?"
2:10 PM - Russia and Italy show up, grab Syria's body, and stuff it in the trunk of their
2:15 PM - Israel calls, sounding suspiciously innocent.
2:20 PM - France calls, sounding even more suspiciously innocent.
2:35 PM - Call up Colt and order new handguns.
2:40 PM - Colombia shows up with a fresh shipment of marching powder.
2:52 PM - Lebanon calls, begging for money in Syria's absence.
2:55 PM - Tell Lebanon to call France.
3:00 PM - Coffee break. Crack a few jokes around the water cooler with Australia.
3:10 PM - Dash off a memo to the United Nations saying that the check is in the mail.
3:15 PM - Meeting with Germany, who wants to sell more BMW's to people who can't drive.
4:02 PM - Ink $50 million deal with Germany.
4:10 PM - Leave office for happy hour with Australia and Ireland.
6:45 PM - Call Saudi: "I'll be home soon, honey."
9:00 PM - Frantic make-out session with China underneath table.
10:35 PM - Arrive home. Saudi smells booze and becomes furious, vowing that no oil will flow
10:45 PM - Booty call from Israel. Make reservations at the Motel 6.