The Honorable Junichiro Koizumi
Prime Minister of Japan
5-5 Nagatacho 2-chome
Chiyoda Ward, Tokyo, Japan

October 17, 2003

Mr. Koizumi:

If I ever see you fronting as badly as you fronted earlier today, I'm getting on the phone with Richard Gephardt and telling his office to bring back all the bitching about protectionist tariffs to save our union workers. Because, seriously, you don't look cool standing next to George W. Bush in a shiny jacket and an open dress shirt. He looks like a slovenly moron when he dresses like that, and you're only legitimizing his fashion problem.

Congratulations for standing your ground on the issue of deploying troops to Iraq. This is not the sort of constitutional crisis into which you need to be getting your country while the economy is tanking. The $1.5 billion commitment in reconstruction aid is laudable, although I'm frankly surprised that you're not writing it off as a loan as Congress is currently doing over here.

Also, congratulations for showing your class, and not pointing out how little our president knows about macroeconomics, what with his entire "free trade" and "strong dollar" mantras that don't go together. You have an excellent knack for making Mr. Bush feel good about himself.

All in all, I think you did a good job at the conference, and although I can't vote for you, I would gladly recommend you to my friends who can. However, I must reiterate: please wear a tie next time. Our president may be a cowboy, but you are not, and a Japanese cowboy is not a pretty sight.

Keep that hair brushed.