Return to I've crossed lines of words and wire, and both have cut me deep (personal)

In exactly [I could count down hours and minutes, but I don't wanna|one month and three days] I turn 30 years old. This is significant because:

  • I didn't think I would live this long
  • I'm doing better than I thought I would be

    Yes, you read that right. A woman is actually somewhat content with the impending rollover of the ol' [odometer]. Except not...really, because there's still that whole '[I spent one year in love and all I got was this lousy T-Shirt.|I wasted my life and all I got was this lousy neurosis]' thing, not to mention [quoting statistics won't impress me|at least 80% of my favourite pastimes will become 25% more pathetic]. Whatever, I'm the Mistress of Guilty Pleasures. In the meantime, however, I still have many years' worth of damage to undo. Except once again not really, because I cling to that old [adage] that [no experience is wasted if you learn something from it]. I have to catch myself often when I say I lost the entirety of my youth to [alcoholism|addiction] and [bipolar disorder|mental illness]. Yes, these things have greatly hindered my quality of life. Yes, I've done a lot of [Dumb Woman's Lane|dumb, dangerous, pointless shit]. And some of it cannot be undone, and for now I'm taking it on faith that there is a reason for this.

    I have actually begun praying on the regular. Not to the point where I won't still call myself an [maybe a happy medium at agnostic|atheist] for the sake of brevity [When it is easier to let it happen than to fight it|when conversing with assholes], but enough that I may seriously want to do a major overhaul on my entire personal philosophy. After all, it's not just the bad shit that has me contemplating the possible existence of a [Higher Power].

    [I have met the woman I am going to spend the rest of my life with].

    Now I know for a fact I've spouted that tripe before, but [this time it's different]. No, really. There's another old saying I like: "[How do you know when someone's your best friend?|a true friend knows all your faults and likes you anyway]." That's pretty much Kendra and I in a nutshell. Of course we've been angry with each other; she has thought more than once that she'd reached the end of her rope, and I can empathize. But she saw fit to wait for a better day. And like me, she doesn't want to earn that day with anger and threats. [Ultimatums are the devil's Terms of Service].

    That being said, I consider my story to be a cautionary one for people with mental health problems, both for the sufferer and their partners. The former should not pursue a serious relationship while still in the [depressive episode|fray]. Likewise, someone thinking of pursuing a relationship with a mentally ill person must take emotional inventory to assure their presence wouldn't actually make things worse. Long story short: if your loved one is struggling with any problem, be it addiction, mental illness, or anything in between, your relationship will be strained.

    Note I said [strained], not [suffer]. "[Change your ways or else]" is a sure path to the latter. A closet full of demons is hard enough to contain without some holier-than-thou [Nora Negative] prodding at them. [You don't have to be passive-aggressive to revolt against this kind of motivation]. As for Kendra, well, she has motivated me in an entirely different way. I want to be what she deserves. [I want to deserve her]. And I want to [earn my stripes], my right to say "they beat me down but they couldn't keep me down." And forgiveness doesn't come with a debt. Kendra has [assuage]d my devastating, gnawing, perpetual guilt by telling me this over and over again. Maybe I will pay them off someday. Maybe then I'll finally forgive myself.

    We are so getting [Maria McKee] to sing at the wedding.


    Author's Note: The title of this node is a lyric from the song 'I Take My Chances' by fellow recovering alcoholic and personal idol of mine, the supremely talented Ms. [Mary Chapin Carpenter]. Her presence at the wedding would make it all that much more special as well.

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