was going to be titled "if I had feelings
." I tried for an hour to express
I would have felt that I couldn't stop thinking of her
the way I did. I tried to express how I would have felt knowing I didn't once cross her mind
as she prepared
to go out for the evening
. I was going to mention how much it would have bothered
me that she looked so attractive
tonight, and how she must have known how much it would have tormented
me. An hour of trying to explain that if I had feelings, they would probably be hurt
5:AM came, two hours after we parted ways... me with zot-fot-piq and her with the guy that gave me the wet-fish-handshake. Why couldn't I write this node..? I thought I should have been hurt, or mad as hell, but as hard as I tried I continued to feel nothing. Then it hit me... "holy crap... I don't care." I can't write about feelings I wouldn't have had, even if I did have feelings... not even for an interesting story.
Zot-fot-piq's insight for the evening was 'things' do not have to be so difficult... I didn't follow his context, but it made a lot of sense in my dilemma. (if one person says ANYTHING about "di-lemmanaid" I am just gonna snap) It's amazing how sometimes, it just comes down to making a simple decision. I am not going to force myself into thinking I should, or would have hurt feelings... my pain is not cool, because it doesn't exist... F'you, brain... you lose.