I tend to lose myself when I begin dating people. I mold myself into the perfection I know they are seeking. It's not that I lie or pretend. It's just that
I push away all the parts of me they might not like, hide them deep, ignore them and pull out all the things I know they would like.
I forget who I am for a while and only know what they want me to be. No, they never say it, but I can see it. I know them well, I know what they want and I give it. Then I realize I'm not getting what I want, that the long conversations aren't enjoyable. It gets to the point where I find that I have lied, that I've faked my orgasms, and that I'm unhappy.
"You're perfect." I've heard this from every single person I've dated. "You're exactly what I've always been looking for," they have whispered in my ear. "
I'm falling in love with you," they say, and I tell them to hush, because I don't want to hear it. Because I know it isn't me they love. Because I know it's just another one of my 3002 personalities that isn't
the whole me.
And now
I'm missing me.