My life has kind of been in a whirl
the last day or so, but now there's that thought in the back of my mind that I just know it's going to be okay. I know that I'm going to be okay. And that's never really been there before. I've never really been so sure of that. I'm okay when everything is not okay
. And it's true.
I know that I have friends. Even if they might not be the best of friends
or the closest of friends or the friends I don't even talk to in more than riddles. But they're friends, and I know that they care about me, even the ones that never really say so.
I took a long walk last night. A walk around my neighborhood, something I haven't done in years. I didn't put my contacts on and I didn't bring my glasses, and I couldn't see a thing. It was just kind of nice to walk without having to see anything
. It was a walk I needed because I was fighting myself
. Fighting my selves that have always been there and the ones I put away and the one I am now.
I have a strange fear of dogs. Once, when I was little
, I was petting this stray dog with a friend of mine. He seemed to enjoy it and I was happy. I don't know what happened, but he suddenly jumped on me and started growling. I got so scared I ran down the street and even when I knew he was out of view I couldn't stop running
. I ran and I ran until I couldn't run anymore. I crawled into a bush and I sat there for hours crying.
All the dogs were barking as I took this walk. And all I could think of is that I wished a dog would come out
and kill me then, an irrational thought. I just kept hoping and I wasn't afraid. But as I began to walk back towards my house and the dogs barked even louder I couldn't bear it anymore. I ran and I ran and I didn't stop until I got home. Because I'd won that fight
and I didn't want the dogs to come out and claw me anymore.