sleeping on empty dreams.

sometimes I wish I didn't decide to be happy, now that my smile is almost phony and I can hear the phone ringing. I pick it up now, instead of leaving it be, there on the floor ringing endlessly. it's a kind of monster, casting shadows on my features, and I just think I should scream. but I don't scream...

all in all, sometimes I see it. another expression there, across the room, where I see reflections of myself. she'll almost smile until she knows it's just me.

are you ever aware of your own consciousness? the boy says to me he thinks he's going mad, he wonders why he is living life, if there is a meaning. he should see a shrink, he says, maybe he's insane. I just laugh my silly laugh, as if. as if.

are we insane?

I don't know about you, but I think I love the boy. all these damn boys, all over. boys boys boys. boy crazy.

Tamiya is her name. she says hello to me now and then, and I look at her, those eyes that read my eyes, those hands that reach into my mind. she says hello to me and I wonder why I bother with the boys at all.

do you think we could run away, just drive and drive and see where we end up? it's too much effort, sometimes. too much effort to have things that make sense. too much effort to not cry. you know?

I just want to be consumed again. kind of liked it there, where everything was darker, and everything more real. where it was truth instead of this. this light. this daylight. this silly little thing. I don't know. I like to not know, because then it's better. then you have a reason. a reason to be jaded and cynical and sad. it's comforting there, even if it isn't right. it's comforting to hold yourself together, just barely.