I couldn't think of what to node lately. So I was going through some
old email, and a friend of mine had sent me old emails I sent him years ago in
1993. I was 14 years old then, and some of the things I wrote seems strange, that I should have felt those things then. And that it's very similar to what I still feel now. Maybe
I haven't changed at all?
I wrote:
I just go on every day and put on my mask. The little bubbly, cheerful girl mask. Sometimes it's like the whole world is against me, like I'm the only one with problems. I used to think life was empty, depressing, just broken by brief moments of happiness.
I'm actually always depressed inside, but alot of the times I'm happy, too, and my happiness covers my depression. Make sense?
I feel out of control of my life. I feel empty, like I have no goals, nothing to look forward to. Sometimes I'm so scared I won't make anything of myself in life.
Just to think that I've always felt this way, it's scary, almost. Hmm.
Later...
Ugh. So I go to class today, and we get our
midterm grades returned. 36% of the class turns out to have failed it, while one lucky person got a B, two got Cs, and the rest got Ds. I was one of those who got a D, after studying like mad and attending a number of study groups. Okay, so
that sucks, right?
But then my
little puny shit of a professor decides that he
won't grade on a curve, but rather, if we have a problem with our grades we can go and talk to him about it. Alright, so some
students go to talk to him about. One girl, who had a D, comes back with a B, while another comes back with a C, etc etc. Totally random. It basically turns into a game of
Who Can Bullshit The Professor Best. I was totally stunned! If he wants to improve everyone's grade, fine, but don't do it randomly. What the fuck? Okay, so this test really meant nothing at all, I just want to hand out whatever grade I like best! Here, why don't you
suck my dick?
I dunno what's up with that
bullshit, why he would even think such a thing and why nobody even gives a shit about it. Don't people have morals or honor these days? Whatever. Tomorrow afternoon, I'm going in to talk to the guy. Or yell. Or scream. Or
rant.