. Sometimes I think it's impossible for me to capture what I wish, as it's been captured in one lyric of a song, a perfect moment
passed between two people. How is it that this moment can be taken, held in my hand, shaped into words to mean even a small amount of the preciousness it once meant? The tiredness is behind my eyes, as it has been for hours. I can feel it, the moment I lay down and let go I would fall asleep. Instead I don't, sitting here waiting in frustration, causing it to grow by my weary, false words
that are only caused in useless wanting for a thing I can never attain.
Instead I cause pain, a cheap emotion
to replace my own empty sadness for just a moment and I could somehow be distracted, somehow feel better, or worse. How is it that you can give yourself to a person, not knowing if they'd cherish you as you cherish them, not knowing if you'd be thrown down again only to force yourself down
before it could even happen? How is it I could reject it simply so that I don't feel the rejection later, as it always comes. The time between meeting and finally leaving is sometimes called falling in love.
I should have left that day, my bags neatly packed. I hadn't even unpacked them til yesterday, still wanting to hold onto that feeling. People asked if I was worried, but I couldn't say. I couldn't even begin to explain the freedom I began to feel, just knowing I would go, not knowing what would happen. I regret it now. I regret
only those things I don't do.
Do I want to talk? Yeah. But he'd only ask the wrong questions, and assume the wrong things, and never focus on what I want
. It wouldn't be right, having to explain the things that I've never found explainable. I suppose sometimes I don't wish for the truth, but it's simply that there's always more than one truth and it never is the one I prefer.
It's just enough sometimes to sit here and listen to the same songs, even if I've been in the same place for years
, even if my life hasn't changed, because in some small way I do change, and when I'm tired and too afraid to go to sleep it's almost enough.