Dear J,
I have just finished watching "Louie" Season 1, Episode 9, titled "Bully". There is a line spoken by one of Louie's dates after he is humiliated. She says something along the lines, "My brain is telling me you are a great guy, but my chemistry is telling me you're a loser." Although still somewhat general, that line hit a sore spot for me, because I still feel like a loser due to my depression. Considering I still wonder if my depression is some imagined malignancy, I don't even know if I have a valid excuse for being a supposed loser. But I am still quite debilitated, unable to self-actualize, and stuck in a rut. Yesterday my therapist Adam gave me yet another homework task to try out. I have been verbalizing to myself outloud this whole day and night, "This is me trying to cope with my emotions," as I stare and am plugged into my computer nearly all of my waking moments.
I've wondered about myself, what it is, if anything, that can make me finally get up and on with my life. Apparently, to my astonishment, losing you hasn't knocked me out of the doomed orbit of collapse. This is the third stint of me slothing by months on unemployment insurance.
I need to figure out if I am just perpetually lying to myself.
This is this. This is not something else.
-R