Yesterday I felt out of control of my life and that really scared me.

It all started when I got home from my game, which we lost. I still don't care. Three blinks on my message machine. No messages. I knew He probably had tried to call, so I *69. He answered. He said He called to tell me to stare at Him tomorrow, because He got new clothes. We don't ever talk at school, so the most we could associate is just by looking at each other. This is what it's come down to. I needed Him to make a decision about us. Either He needed to let me love Him or forget about Him. I know that a relationship isn't possible for us right now, and He acknowleged this fact by saying that we couldn't be together until at least high school is over. Three months.

He said He didn't care for me the way I did for Him, and that He was only purely attracted to me physically. I want to be with Him more than anything, and I can't let go. He said He would try to gradually go into something with me; I'm not sure what. But I told Him that we had to be something or absolutely nothing. I only want Him to go through with this if He wants to, if He genuinely wants to make an effort to try to like me. After we got off the phone I cried, and cried. I wanted to drink hard liquor. Instead I got to study for a calculus test.

It bothered me that I coulnd't get Him to care for me, that there's nothing that I can do. That my happiness hinges on His whims. I hate this so much, I feel hopeless and I wish I could just wake up and not care one day but I don't really want to either. I want Him to love me, He's being really nice about it, but I can't wait any longer.