Today's house special

Less than successful dish for poor students
(Inspired by being broke in Finland)

The ingredients:

leftover rice from yesterday
one onion old enough to make Indiana Jones aroused
whatever other sorry vegetables you have
soy sauce
one easily gullible friend, whom - you have just realised - you don't love anymore

To prepare:

1. Delegate the peeling of nuts to your accomplice. Advice him as to how to do it right, just like momma used to do it at home. This, of course, is a messy business involving a plastic bag, a club and a large shallow bowl, into which you are supposed to blow to make the peels fly away.

2. Help your friend to clean the peels from his eyes, mouth and nostrils. Tell him to stop being such a baby and try again, this time with his eyes closed and preferably on the outside.

3. Curse your friend, who has just blown most of your invaluable nuts (let's not forget there's nothing else to eat) off the balcony.

4. Peel and chop the onions. This again is a task for your companion. After all, women love to see a grown man cry, don't they?

5. Fry it all in a large saucepan. Start stupidly with the nuts, so that they can burn and give a distinctive 'Hiroshima' flavour for your dish. Listen to your partner pointing out that this is not the way momma used to do it back home.

6. Serve forth and enjoy the clamour, acidic discussion and the resulting inter-apartment civil war.

Now if I only could make him come out of the bedroom to make up and finish the damn thing...