I didn't really do much exciting to ring in the new year
. I don't know why, but at the beginning of the evening I was extremely depressed...nothing was going on, it didn't seem like Jonathan was going to have any fun no matter what, and I had driven up to Lawrence
for the evening
. I knew that my mom was home alone and I was thinking that I might as well have just stayed home and kept her company
for all the stuff that was going on. Then I started thinking about what a bad daughter
I was and I got bad grades this semester
to boot and I was SO depressed. And I started thinking about 'attempting' suicide
...I didn't want to kill myself or anything, but I just wanted to attempt it. I half-heartedly looked around for something to carve on my wrists with, and the only thing I could find was a broken gin
bottle that Maggie had dropped earlier in the evening and that whole picture just reeked of desperation.
I never used to understand people who would attempt suicide but not actually go through with it, just attempt knowing that they'd get caught. I thought it was pathetic..and well, I still do, I just understand where they're coming from now. How are people supposed to know you're drowning if you don't shout for help?
And hey, at least it would have been something exciting. Shut myself in the bathroom with a razor at 10:30, a few minutes later someone finds me covered in blood, they call an ambulance and my friends and I spend midnight at the ER. Makes for a good story at least.
But like I said, nothing around to do anything about this, so I decide I'll sit in Maggie's room on her couch and read something. I'm already drunk as fuck after a glass and a half of wine since I never got around to eating dinner. I find Life, the Universe, and Everything by Douglas Adams and start that, and Jonathan comes in and gets me out to socialize and I start to feel better little by little...
So we decide that we want to do something that we've never done before at midnight, and none of us had been driving around in a car at midnight, so Jon, Drunk Ben, and I got in my car (Jon was sober) and Jon took us to the only roundabout in town so that at midnight we could drive around the roundabout ten times shouting "Happy fucking New Year!" It was totally fun and totally pointless, just the way I like it.
So I ended up having a good time, but nonetheless I think my resolution shall be to get some fucking counseling!