A bath should be taken in hot water, but not scalding. Bubbles should only be used in the evening and if bubbles are used, your hair should not touch the water until the very end of the bath.

Baths without bubbles should be taken in the morning or late at night, especially after being out in the rain. If you have short hair, you should wear a cowboy hat in the bath. If your hair is long, you should separate it into two braids but not tie them off at the ends.

If your bathroom is clean, you should use a perfumey and luxurious soap. If your bathroom is old and cracked, you should use plain white or brown soap, the kind you can buy in an economy sized pack. Candles should generally be reserved for bathing with another person, and bubbles and candles should never be used together. Likewise, wine should never accompany a bubble bath and when part of a straight bath should be drunk directly from the bottle. Hard liquor in the bath must be reserved for baths immediately following major personal cataclysm.

For at least twenty minutes, you must either soak or read in the bath, but cannot begin the washing process until that period of time has elapsed. In summer, you should bathe with a window open. If your bathroom has no windows, you should always take bubble baths.

Do not move quickly in the bath. You should hear the water lap, but never splash, unless you're having sex in the bath.

Do not underestimate the thrill of smoking while bathing.

A good bath is sexy but solitary, and never excessively frou-frou. Your soul gets cleaner than your body. You're swimming in your own juices. Remember to take slow baths. Hurried baths will leave you sore and bitter. Don't stay in the bath past the point at which you become noticeably pruney; this diminishes the experience. Don't let anything interrupt your bathing.