god. it's been almost a month.

class is eating me alive. i think it's causing schizophrenic tendencies - my weekends have nothing at all to do with my weeks. i'm two different people. i can't allow myself to waste a precious second of spare time. i've already skipped my first class and we're not even four weeks in.

i feel i'm getting simultaneously more caustic and more complacent, meaning i'm just petty. i hate the person i am at work, and can't work up an interest in customer service. school feels like purgatory and i have to sometimes be reminded that this is the last year.

outside right now, there's a good, healthy october. it's raining like hell and warm enough for hoodies. in less than two weeks i'll be 22 and on a pronounced downslope toward old age. i haven't been going to karate - that would probably help.

what i want to be doing is sitting in a slightly damp kitchen drinking beer and carving pumpkins, smoking in the house and talking about the applications of the categorical imperative. i'd like to think beyond next weekend and figure out for sure whether i need a relationship to distract me, and i'd like to read cryptonomicon over again and also buy some comic books and get my dad the birthday present i've owed him for a month. i wish i could paint something. i am sick to death of right and wrong answers because it doesn't make any fucking sense at all that there are eight-thousand-something ways to divide nine isotopes up between five lab assistants and i want to take stirling numbers and pascal's triangle and sew them into a sailboat and float it away on a mighty and turbulent ocean.

that's where the complacency comes in - at least i have something to do.