god. it's been almost a month.
is eating me alive. i think it's causing schizophrenic tendencies
- my weekends have nothing at all to do with my weeks. i'm two different people. i can't allow myself to waste a precious second of spare time
. i've already skipped my first class and we're not even four weeks in.
i feel i'm getting simultaneously more caustic
and more complacent
, meaning i'm just petty
. i hate the person i am at work, and can't work up an interest in customer service. school feels like purgatory
and i have to sometimes be reminded that this is the last year.
outside right now, there's a good, healthy october
. it's raining like hell and warm enough for hoodies. in less than two weeks i'll be 22 and on a pronounced downslope toward old age
. i haven't been going to karate - that would probably help.
what i want to be doing is sitting in a slightly damp kitchen drinking beer
and carving pumpkins, smoking in the house and talking about the applications of the categorical imperative
. i'd like to think beyond next weekend and figure out for sure whether i need a relationship to distract me
, and i'd like to read cryptonomicon
over again and also buy some comic books and get my dad the birthday present i've owed him for a month. i wish i could paint something. i am sick to death
of right and wrong answers because it doesn't make any fucking sense at all that there are eight-thousand-something ways to divide nine isotopes up between five lab assistants
and i want to take stirling numbers
and pascal's triangle
and sew them into a sailboat and float it away on a mighty and turbulent ocean
that's where the complacency comes in - at least i have something to do