i think i've had this dream before
i'm living in a crowded studio apartment
in some city and my grandmother
has stopped by. but not either of my real gandmothers. she's tall and thin (but strong
), with salt-and-pepper hair
. she looks tough. she's wandering around the small space examining my belongings
distastefully. she approaches my bed, where i am under the covers, where i must have been when she walked in, and throws a hundred dollar bill
folded in fourths onto the comforter
. only then does she meet my eyes.
,' she says icily.
she starts walking around my room again, and she opens up my jewelry box
. she wants me to sit on the side of my bed, and she puts a necklace
around my neck, one of several i've inherited
from her. i know that she does this every time
she comes to my house, and picks a different necklace each time.
i have to go somewhere, so i get on the subway
, feeling guilty because i'm confused
and feel like i've rejected her peace offering
. i'm angry with myself, because i don't know how to be close to her
, and angry at her for confusing me.
i meet a boy i have a crush on
on the subway, but i can't have a conversation with him because he's sick and keeps throwing up
when i'm trying to talk to him. i don't remember what happened then