i think i've had this dream before.

i'm living in a crowded studio apartment in some city and my grandmother has stopped by. but not either of my real gandmothers. she's tall and thin (but strong), with salt-and-pepper hair. she looks tough. she's wandering around the small space examining my belongings distastefully. she approaches my bed, where i am under the covers, where i must have been when she walked in, and throws a hundred dollar bill folded in fourths onto the comforter. only then does she meet my eyes.

'moron,' she says icily.

she starts walking around my room again, and she opens up my jewelry box. she wants me to sit on the side of my bed, and she puts a necklace around my neck, one of several i've inherited from her. i know that she does this every time she comes to my house, and picks a different necklace each time.

i have to go somewhere, so i get on the subway, feeling guilty because i'm confused and feel like i've rejected her peace offering. i'm angry with myself, because i don't know how to be close to her, and angry at her for confusing me.

i meet a boy i have a crush on on the subway, but i can't have a conversation with him because he's sick and keeps throwing up when i'm trying to talk to him. i don't remember what happened then.