this is me losing my mind.

fate is taunting me with a mirage of security. i get soclose and what i was pursuing up and disappears. i've seen a gazillion perfect houses snapped up an hour before i called. selling my car, i've done everything but hand over the title and the person changes their mind. but the plans are made and tickets bought for bumbershoot, so i will find a house by this weekend. the tempo has waited a year already.. it can wait a little longer.

i think about all the times i've shown up to start school and marveled at how excited yet organized everything seems. this is the first time in my life i've witnessed or experienced the confusion that comes during the month before, the feeling of air thick with everyone's hopelessness and rabid fear, the tangible sense of no one knowing what the hell they're doing.

it's said that life used to be simpler, and one's responsibilities all had their time and place. but here mine are all jumbled together, arguing for prevalence, short term priorities battling with long term ones. come to work and be paid or househunt and find a roof to cover my head?

someday it will all end and i will have enough money that i won't have to compete with the unwashed throng of starving students for the cheap places. i'll go live in some waterfront condo and have rich white neighbors with big dove grey buicks. and if i need to get rid of a car, i'll just donate it and be satisfied with the tax write-off. but until such time as my fairy godmother of information technology comes flitting along to bring all this about, i am for all intents and purposes screwed.

i should have married some rich boy when i turned 18 and made a career out of housewifing.

update: i got me a fucking house!! can i get a hell yeah?