crikey, what a day! it was raining when i was leaving for work this morning. i've lost my work umbrella, which is plain and boring, and matches my work coat and bag, you know, all sensible. so i had to take the joke umbrella that my sis bought me. i have a thing about the powerpuff girls so she bought me a ppg brolly. it's that clear plastic mushroom shaped kind that comes right down over your head but you can see through it. and it's got a mini bubbles sitting right on the top of it. so there i am, dashing to the bus stop in my smart red coat, smart work trousers and smart heeled boots. hair straightened, discreet silver jewellery. i mean, when i go into the office, i look the part. except today i topped it all off with a bubbles brolly. i felt supremely stupid.

bit of a backfill for you, i'm on my way to work after a week off sick with chronic back pain. the medication made me all woozy and doped up, kind of half stoned all the time but over the weekend i was trying to wean myself off the pills so i could actually work again. some hope. this morning i was still fairly shot away and not able to concentrate, so it took me a while to realise that there was no one else at the bus stop. that just never happens at 8.30 in the morning.

then i remembered. something about buses on diversion. so off i walked, a ten minute walk down a busy main street, to get on the same bus but further up, but before the diversion started. damn those high heels.

but it wasn't until i got to the other bus stop - where no one was waiting either - that i began to worry. the clocks change around now, don't they? am i an hour early or something? how does it work again? do they go forward or back in autumn? surely they would have brought it to the nation's attention on radio 4? but there is no one anywhere to be seen, not even on this busy stretch of high street.

after about five minutes and now really starting to freak myself out, i dug around in my bag for my phone to call around some friends, see if there was a problem and i was unaware of it. as i looked up and put the phone to my ear, balancing the hooked handle of my brolly under my other arm, i saw a bus come round the corner. it wasn't the right one, but it would get me past the diversion and i could meet up with my bus route a few miles down the road.

busy struggling with my brolly, trying not to get my hair damp, putting my phone back in my back and digging out my bus pass all at once meant i didn't notice until the doors opened that the bus was totally crammed. with pasty-faced, bloodshot-eyed, druggie-lookalikes. oh my god. and they are lurching towards me.

ok, girl, think. you have to admit you have a bit of a resident evil, erm, oh sod it. just say it. addiction. you're on horse tranquilisers and you're evidently just letting your imagination run away with you. easy, girl .or maybe booyaa'd mixed up the grass and the green tea this morning;)

but they started getting off the bus, tripping over each other as they stumbled, arms swaying in front of them, towards me. the bus driver - who looked scared out of his wits but had at least a normal, healthy skin tone - stood up and through his perspex cabin was shouting something and signalling wildly at me. i couldn't hear him over the noise of the engine and the groaning noises coming from all these weirdo zombie type people but i realised he was pointing at my umbrella. i tired hitting one of these swaying monsters with the curved handle but that had no effect whatsoever on the guy. but it did have the effect of making poor bubbles fall off the top. leaving a rather nasty point. heaving the brolly into the air i lunged at the guy, who by now had his arms level with my neck and was about a foot away from strangling me to death. or poisoning me with the horrific stench, not sure which would be quickest. the sharp tip of the umbrella went straight through his head which splattered like an overripe pumpkin. and the guy was down. yes! only, um, about 30 to go and i'll be done! move over milla jovovich. it's my turn now.

but i didn't need to fight them all. they were obviously going somewhere, as they all got off the bus, one or two at a time, bumping into each other and tripping up and falling over in the process, but very definitely on a mission. and they mostly ignored me. the bus driver beckoned for me to get on the bus and he told me he'd picked them all up outside the hospital about five miles up the road and had been trying to radio for help ever since. no one at the depot believed his story, of course. kept telling him it wasn't april the first and to get the hell off the emergency channel. poor guy.

and you know what went through my mind once i sat down and breathed out? i need to write to the manufacturer about this umbrella. it's dangerous for kids.

note to wertie and karen and anyone else who hates no caps writing. please don't be offended. i know i promised never to not use capitals again but i'm just way too freaked out and shaky to think about things like formatting right now.