I have a doctor's appointment on Monday. This is not a normal appointment - a routine checkup. This time there is something wrong. I 've actually waited quite some time to visit my physician, but things are making it hard for me to wait any longer.

A few years ago I visited my gynecologist for my yearly exam. I told her that I wasn't having regular periods, so as a precaution she did a blood test before starting me on the pill. My test came back showing high levels of prolactin, and the doctor told me that it might be a good idea to go in for an MRI. She didn't explain anything in detail, and I shrugged off her suggestion after the pill regulated my periods.

I didn't think any more about it until recently. I went off the pill for about a year, and I started up again about 2 months ago. In the last few months, I've had some symptoms that I'm really concerned about. I feel weird describing them, but at the same time I feel like I need to talk about it. Basically, I've been getting severe headaches on a daily basis. I haven't really told anyone about the amount of pain that I've been in, because I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I've also had discharge from my breasts, and pain with sex. These symptoms, along with my previous blood tests, point to prolactinoma.

Prolactinoma is a pituitary tumor which produces the hormone prolactin. This hormone is responsible for lactation in pregnant women, and it is completely unexpected in women who are not pregnant. The tumor is responsible for all of the symptoms that I've exhibited, and it is virtually the only cause of this combination of symptoms. For this reason, I am 100% convinced that this is my problem.

I go to see my doctor on Monday, and he will hopefully tell me what to do from here. I am really afraid that my suspicions will be correct. The worst thing that could happen to me is that I will end up living my life in a similar way that I have been - in pain. Infertile.

That's another thing that is very strange to me. I don't want to have kids now, but the idea of not being able to is scaring the shit out of me. I was watching tv today, and I saw this 18 year old girl who was having trouble delivering on the discovery channel. I started thinking about how unfair it is that teenage girls can have unwanted pregnancies, but someone like me who may actually have something valuable to pass on to another generation may never have the opportunity to have children. It started me thinking about all the time I've put into not having kids. Now I am starting to think of the process in a completely different light.

So I will go to the doctor on Monday. Hopefully he will help me to end this immediate suffering. Hopefully I will not be introduced to any future pain.

October 30, 2002 UPDATE: I went into the doctor and had a blood test, which confirmed normal levels of prolactin. This pretty much clears me of the prolactinoma scare, which is a really good thing. I feel kinda silly for making such a big deal out of everything before I had any confirmation, but I appreciate everyone who sent me their good wishes.