Oh my god I feel so damn old but don't really feel anything.

Basically, it's like this :

I hate school
I hate work
and I hate being home.

I hate the fact that I have to get up in the morning to go to work so that I can make money so that I can pay rent for an apartment and a lifestyle that isn't making me happy anymore.

I hate the fact that I have to get up in the morning to go to school so that I can take arbitrary tests over a series of years so that eventually when I graduate I can get a piece of paper that says I know these specific things and this entitles me to more money that I can then use to buy more things in a desperate attempt to sidestep the fact that none of it is making me happy and eventually I will die this way.

I hate the fact that life is a series of random events instead of something with an eventual conclusion. There is no rest, you can't win. Everything is constantly maintaining what you have and guarding it against being taken away. You're supposed to have fun 'on the way' to accomplishing your goals, but that's not happening for me.

Don't get me wrong, I have good times too. Especially when hanging out with friends (for some reason this makes me happy) so I try to do this a lot. When I have to go back home, though, things just turn back to normal and I have these bullshit 'philosophical' feelings about things I didn't have to think about before, and I think a great deal of this has to do with my chemical status (which makes me want to seek drugs, because I don't think I can afford to try and pursue biofeedback or whatever)

I hate the fact that if I manage to avoid going to work or school I sleep as late as I can and then when I wake up I want to sleep more. I don't actually want to sleep my life away, but at the same time I want to sleep _this_ portion of my life away. Maybe this portion of my life is permanent. I hate being home because when I'm not busy I realize how everything is utter bullshit.... and it seems that recently I haven't been able to concentrate on other things at all so as to distract myself from this state of mind. Normal used to be okay for me, now I have to go to extremes to get any feeling at all.

I wouldn't mind not being able to sleep if I could be productive in the hours that I am awake (like I used to be able to), but that's not possible either. I've always known that I've had a healthy dose of ADHD, but now it's absolutely choking me.

I hate the new perspective that I've gained on things that allows me to see more sides to issues than I had seen before. It in essence destroys my will to take sides at all or pursue any actions for any change that will require maintainence that I know I will not be able to provide. Everything I see is futility. I'm not sure which is right now, the way I was before, or the way I am now. I suppose if I was the way I was before, I wouldn't care.

I really think all of this is due to chemicals. I realize now that I'm basically just a robot slave shackled to the whims of the chemical reactions happening inside my head that I don't believe I have much control over. So right now I'm thinking I can either give up and die, or try anything to avoid being dead.... which will probably lead to the inevitable prescription of medication to me in some form or another.

At this point, I haven't thought much about killing myself (in the actual planning that is... I have done a lot of thinking about the lack of worth in my life). Predominantly, I have a lot of thoughts about the futility of everything, and how right now my perception of life is pointless and painful.

I don't know if any substance will be able to make me feel more distant than anything than I feel right now, so I guess it's worth a shot.

I'm seeing a psychiatrist for the first time today. I don't have faith in the practice of psychology/psychiatry, but I also don't have faith in the 'healing powers' of the medication I'll probably end up on. I just don't want to deal with whatever else is going to happen to me if I don't take some action, any action whatsoever, to correct (or forestall) what is currently happening to me.

It's hard to analyze and reject feelings and thoughts you are having as being the cause of a chemical status, because you're using the same brain for both things. I guess it's sort of like trying to bite your own teeth. Maybe soma will help.

I guess you could say I'm depressed.

Yes, I do realize how illogical I sound.

I'm not sure if this is proper material for the daylog.

Oh god, I hope I don't start writing bad poetry and posting it to my 800k image-laden cloud-backgrounded rainbow-animated-gif line-divider having courtney love tribute geocities page.