The rest of my life day 3
This is probably something that everyone has felt, but have you ever noticed how easily depression comes when you get your emotions all built up for something that doesn't happen? Well it happened to me big time today.
I could barely sleep at all, because I knew that when I got up I was going to be facing Sarah. I would be facing Sarah because I had to get the books for our bible study, and Sarah works at the Christian Bookstore. I could have just chosen another bookstore, but I wanted to talk to Sarah, even though it is incredibly difficult for me to do.
I went to bed at 8 am. I laid awake, thinking about my upcoming encounter with Sarah. I worried about it. I prayed about it. I repeated that cycle until about 1 PM, at which point I gave up on trying to sleep, and just got up for the day.
I dressed nicely, and generally cleaned myself up like I was going on a date, instead of just going to order some books. On the way to the store I began slightly fixating on one sentence I had written in the card I gave her Sunday, thinking maybe she misunderstood it, or perhaps did not like it. But at the last minute I somehow managed to wipe all the fear and worry away, and pulled into the bookstore parking lot as confident as can be.
She wasn't there.
The depression came quickly after that. I had prepared myself for every possible outcome except for the fact that she might not be there. I guess I thought there was nothing to think about in that situation. Tht depression lasted several hours. I guess it was all I could expect after pumping myself up for something for 6 hours, only to have nothing happen.
As far as other things go, I didn't really accomplish anything today. Depression killed the afternoon, and I spent the evening with Ryan and Kevin, at least I managed to get them to watch one of my stupid Kirsten Dunst movies (Strike!).