Jen was just about the saddest girl in the world. She put on a happy face most of the time. So most people did not really see her sadness. I myself did not see it at first. But later I realized how deep her sadness really went.
We met in our early 20s, she was the kind of girl who would be so pretty if she would just do something with her hair, (the perm she sported wasn't exactly flattering to her). She talked about her past a lot. Mostly how she used to be in Beauty Pagents and how she was the #1 baton twirler at her college before she dropped out. I could tell right off that she had some minor self esteem issues, (but a lot of girls do, so that didn't turn me off to her).
We met at a small social gathering at her house. I kind of randomly decided to flirt with her. The reception I got seemed lukewarm at best. It wasn't until later that I realized she had taken a liking to me. The friends that I had rode with decided to leave. They asked if I was coming. Jen piped up with, "Don't worry I'll give him a ride home". I figured out a long time ago that when a girl offers you a ride home without you asking it usually means she wants to come home with you.
So Jen came home with me. My first sign of trouble with her was when we started kissing. She stopped me after a second and told me that she had a "thing" about tongues. Basically I shouldn't use my tongue, she said she might use hers, but she gets weirded out when guys use theirs. I was thinking "OK this is odd". So we made out in her weird way. We eventually moved to my bed. We didn't have sex that night, (she said she wanted to get to know me better, and I was fine with that).
We spent the next week together. I got to know her better. That is when I realized that Jen had some serious issues. Mostly sexual, but her self esteem problems where much worse than I thought at first. She eventually told me about the baby she had when she was 13 years old. She seemed so relieved when I was OK with it. We had sex for the first time that night. But Jen wanted to wear a blindfold, she said it was easier that way. (I really should have questioned our relationship at this point). She did take the blindfold off about halfway through. When she did I saw a look that I had never seen before. It was this look of total trust combined with a little fear. Frankly it freaked me out. So much so that I had to stop our sexual act right then and there. Later that night after she thought I was asleep I heard her say, "I Love You", to me.
Over the next month more and more issues arose, I learned of another baby she gave birth to when she was 19. She slept with two of her ex-boyfriends during this time, (I was understanding, and I forgave her). Sex was never normal, something was always weird about it. I began to think she might have been abused as a child, (but she denied that).
I saw Jen as this sad little princess, I wanted so desparately to make her happy. I thought perhaps in giving her happiness I could find a little happiness of my own. But nothing I could do worked. She was like an onion. Everyday another layer of her problems would be peeled back, and I would discover a yet another layer of problems beneath them. There seemed to be no end to it all. Whenever she wasn't playing the sad little girl, she would be playing the dominating, impossible to please bitch. With Jen it seemed that there were only two options, dominate or be dominated. She did not seem to understand anything else. But I do not dominate women, that is just not the kind of person I am.
Eventually Jen cheated on me again, with Will, (who had supposedly been gay up until that point). I just gave up after that. Will quickly moved into her house, (that she shared with her parents), and began beating the crap out of her on a regular basis. But there was nothing I could do at that point.
I regard Jen as my one true failure as a man. I could not save this girl from herself. I just couldn't make her happy. I am quite sure that she is unhappy to this day. I just wish that I could have helped her see the beautiful person that I knew she had inside of her.