Originally posted in December 4, 2001
Most of you know that Adam's step-mother, Paula Purcell, wrote us a wonderful thank-you note some time ago. Shortly thereafter, Adam's wife Jennifer did the same. Today I received an e-mail from Adam's mom, Vicki. I had received a message from dann back at the beginning of last month indicating that she wanted to get in touch with me, so I sent her an e-mail to let her know how to find me. And late last night, she finally did.
Although the many words that she wrote to me were very personal, I wanted to share with you a few of them that pertain to all of us. I don't think that she would mind.
I am so grateful that Adam had found you and Everything2. That he had the good times in Boston and Sparta - when I thought he was so alone. I am amazed, overwhelmed at the love and care and concern that poured forth from across the country - from you in Florida, up the east coast and all the way to "Raising a Glass" out west. E2 is truly a wonderful - phenomenal - community/FAMILY. I feel blessed, and honored for Adam.
Vicki went on to talk about how "For every dream that's shattered, another one comes true
," referring to the recent birth of my nephew, and she shared with me some very touching memories of when Adam was a small child and the love he had for his uncle David, her brother.
I have written all that I can write about Adam. To try and pull any more out of me would be more than I could bear. But reading his mother's words tonight, my heart has opened up again, and while I do not normally write daylogs, I wanted to share a few things that have been on my mind. They don't seem to fit anywhere else.
And as it so happened, Andy paged me tonight just as I began writing this. I rang him up and talked with him for a while. We spoke at great length a few nights ago about his current situation, and I listened and gave advice, and listened some more. I've been down this road before myself, as many of you have, and although the circumstances are different and the people are different, the path is very much the same. We are lucky if we can see to see through the fog of "now" that the muddy trail we tread upon has been beaten down by those that stumbled this way before us. Help is sometimes hard to find; the trick of it is to just keep looking until you do. And to never give up.
Never give in — never, never, never, never, in nothing great or small, large or petty, never give in except to convictions of honour and good sense. Never yield to force; never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy.
— Winston Churchill, 29 October 1941
My point is this:
Life can kill you. It can, and it will. We all die in the end. Every one of us will be food for maggots. It is a certainty as true and profound as taxation and the sun rising in the morning. Every force of the universe is dead set against us some days, and the weight of the world will beat you into submission just as sure as you let it. It never stops. Entropy is king. And whether you believe in God or not, whether you love Jesus or not, whether you smoke dope or drink or write poetry or curse at the moon or engage in promiscuous sex, whether you pray on your knees or tithe or give money to charity or abstain from sinful vices or put your trust in government, every one of you will certainly perish. Our world is ephemeral. There is no escaping it. Our time here is fleeting, and the clock ticks seconds past even as you read these words.
But you must not give up. Never give in. Fuck all and fuck the world and fuck these enemies you fear which tear you down little by little every breath you take. You must fight; even when your enemies are those who love you and even when they are ones you love. You must fight for yourself and cling to those things that give you strength: your faith, yourself, your knowledge that no matter what may happen to you right in the here and now, the sun also rises tomorrow.
Too jaded to care? Think you're too hopeless to matter? This is a message that has been conveyed by far greater writers than me, many many times throughout history. Why must I repeat it here? Why do I bother? I repeat it because it needs repeating. For me. For Aresds. For Vicki and Andy and dann and FOR YOU.
Adam gave up. Don't make his mistake. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Keep fighting. Grit your teeth and go on. It will get better, because everything changes. That much you can rest assured of. Never stop fighting. Never, never, never. We love you, dammit... don't give up.