What should America be afraid of? A tricky question, in discovering what we fear as a society we often uncover a nest of dangers far more troublesome than anticipated. The far right would lead us to believe that we must fear the pro-choice homosexual inflitrators who are leading the Republican party astray. According to the Weekly World News we should fear the Eyeless Amphibian Terror, a roving band of eyeless man eating frogs that inhabit rural New Zealand.
Now, all of these things are scary for some people, I'm sure. Their fear may be somewhat misplaced but we are only human and part of being human is living with fear and over coming it. But enough cheesy cliché, lets talk about the most insidious terror to stalk our country. Yes, that's right, I'm talking about Ninja.
Yet, despite the danger, the majority of America remains in the dark about the Ninja menace. Startling, however, are the statistics gathered from a brief survey of American video media. According to a recent study I conducted, approximately one in every five Americans has, at one time or another, had contact with a Ninja. This contact may be brief or it may result in the opening of a whole six pack of whoop-ass.
It is true. You could be traveling through the midwest and while driving through a small town stumble into a secret Ninja training ground. Statistics show that this happens to one out of every hundred and fifty US citizens. One out of thirty five when the area is limited to the residents of the midwestern states. One out of every seven people killed in Nevada was killed by a Ninja. Most staggering of all is that one out of every fourteen people in Wyoming is, in fact, a Ninja or possessed by the spirit of a dead Ninja.
Still you doubt the evil wave amassed on the horizon? Listen, how often have you been at the mall, just minding your own business, maybe eating at the food court or shopping at the Gap? All of a sudden, out of the ceiling pops a wave of Ninja. They might only be after one lousy guy in tight pants but they take out forty or fifty shoppers by fluke and usually something ends up exploding.
Or, it's late at night and you find yourself a bit peckish. So, in good faith you wander downstairs to the kitchen, opening up the refrigerator and what do you find munching on the last of your prime rib dinner? Ninja! And what can you do? It's not like you can just pick up the Ninja and throw it out. Oh no, Ninja have lots of pointy spiky metal bits. Do not pick them up! You're likely to lose a limb or internal organ.
So what can you do? Well, at the Ministry of Ninja Management, a do it yourself home solution is being worked on. Unfortunately the Ninja-Motel is not quite ready for the consumer market. However, we are always looking for places to do field tests.
Now remember, Ninja are dangerous creatures. It may take upwards of forty bullets to kill a Ninja and even if you manage to kill its body, the Ninja spirit will most likely possess the body of a attractive female telephone worker/aerobics instructor. Don't try to tackle your Ninja problems alone...call on a knowledgeable professional. It's their job to know how to dispose of your Ninja infestation. Not only are they quick, efficient, and cheap, but today's modern Ninja treatment techniques are friendly to the environment. You can rest easy in your Ninja free home, knowing that you've done your part. So call your Ninja Control Professional today, and remember the motto: Ninja - they may be totally awesome but they don't make good pets.
Thanks to Dr. Sage for his contribution to this node.