i feel so stupid.

okay, here's a piece of advice. never get a dog on impulse. see, i had a dog and he died just over a month ago. i figured i understand what the needs of a dog are and was ready to meet them. unfortunately i neglected to remember that my old dog was just that. an old dog. deaf and blind, not very active. quiet. the new dog, cozmo, is under a year old and looks like a mostly tibetan terrier mutt. he is about the same size as my old dog. he is cute, absolutely cute. but he's so active and i don't know if i can give him everything he needs as an active dog. i live in an apartment. i work more than 8 hours a day. i live close enough to walk him at lunch, but... he's still a puppy, so he's being crated while i'm not there until he can be trusted to have run of the house while i'm gone. i know that's the right thing to do for any indoor dog being introduced to a new house, but i feel terrible about it. he'd be fabulous with kids but i am a single, fairly unreliable 24 year old.

i want to cry. i feel selfish and mean. this dog is wonderful and cute but he deserves to have a backyard to run around in. i feel like i got him to patch a hole in my heart left by danny's death, but i didn't stop to think about what would be best for this dog. i also got him because i'm a sucker. i went to the pet store looking for kitty litter and out of nowhere this dog comes bounding towards me. turns out the humane society is there with pets for adoption. i couldn't bear to leave him there.

i feel so stupid. craig, you were right.
addendum: things may work out, and if they don't then my mother will take the dog in (which is a fabulous dog environment). my neighbour mentioned that he was considering hiring someone to walk his dog during the day -- living so close to home means i could do this for him during the week in exchange for him walking my dog on saturdays and sunday mornings. if he is up for this barter, then leaving home for a weekend won't be such a big deal. i think i will leave a note on his door proposing this.

things will work out. for the best. for me. for cozmo. i will do everything i can for him, and if it seems as though that still isn't enough, i will take him to my mother's, where there are woods, other dogs, plenty of room to run (far away from busy roads).
i just don't know. i feel so awful. i got this little guy without solidly thinking it through. i'm still at the stage where i don't necessarily miss having a dog, i miss having MY dog, danny. i just want to cry and cry.

on another note. it is now snowing. the last time i looked out my window it was bright and sunny. then i look out and i am expecting to see a funnel cloud. it's dark. dark dark. and there are leaves just flying around and around in circles. then as i'm looking i see the precipitation roll in. to my surprise, at least part of it is snow. so i went downstairs and outside to have a smoke. it's rain and snow currently. the first of the season here (just outside Washington, DC). ugh.
go home. make dinner. feel like my cat hates me for bringing cozmo home. feel like i've estranged my boyfriend. i feel so sad but i don't see how i can feel so much over so little. i must be overreacting but even thinking logically about everything i just feel like curling into a little ball and crying. i miss danny. that's at the heart of it. but once that wears off, do i really want to (can i logically) keep cozmo. i don't know.