wednesday morning

sad. the man leaves for las vegas today. i will spend my days worrying about him until he gets back.

watched the boiler room last night. a big swinging dick movie. not my choice but i wound up liking it. funny thing though at one point, the main character (a broker), is arrested by the fbi and asked for information so the firm can be busted. he is told to go back to work and upon receiving a call from them he is to "back up your C drive on a floppy". hee hee.

rain but i don't mind. i'm in a mood for it.

i have a new bit of stuff to do at work. should be fairly easy to accomplish if i can motivate myself to start. it's one of those things that the people i work with think is difficult to do. it isn't. i could probably finish it within an hour or two. usually i make these projects last a few days. i feel bad for it. everyone here thinks i'm a damned fine employee. i wonder what they would think of me if i pumped this stuff out as fast as i could? either they'd think i was wonder woman or they'd realize just how simple it really is. the latter, most likely.

but then i start to wonder if this is just my sense of self-loathing talking. the people i work with are more than competant to fairly judge the work i do. given the recognition i have earned at work over the past few months, they think i'm doing good solid work. but then again...

anyhoo, enough rambling thoughts.

more later...

1 Corinthians 13

wednesday afternoon

had lunch today! hard times vegetarian chili with everything but spaghetti. i hate spaghetti noodles. if offered a plate of spaghetti and sauce i'll turn it down. if offered a plate of spiral noodles and sauce, yum. dunno what it is about spaghetti.

at lunch, i ran into four people i went to high school with. i didn't have much in common with them then and it's only gotten more obvious with time. two of them are now teachers, one works at the board of education, and one works at a grocery store while she's finishing up college. the one still in college lives near by. she gave me her phone number. of the group i ran into, she was deffinitely the one i got along with best in school. but...

i have finally admitted to myself and accepted the fact that i am a solitary person. i have only a very few friends (juliet, my sister, my mother, and my boyfriend). i used to feel bad about this. like i was doing something wrong and should have a lot of friends. but the truth of the matter is that there are only a very small number of people i can be around without feeling like i'm forcing myself to be someone i'm not. there are very few people i trust completely. if i don't trust someone completely i don't want to bother with them at all. not even as an occasional aquaintance.

while standing outside the restaurant filling these ladies in on the details of my life that they asked about, i felt... forced. contrived. like i was giving them my resume to skim.

i gotta admit that part of my discomfort with the situation was the reminder that at one point i was a small-town girl. in a school where everyone knew the troubles my family was having. these people, way back when, felt sorry for me more than anything else. i still resent them for that.

wednesday evening

i am terribly sad. i came home from work praying the man had missed his plane or decided not to go. no such luck. no note. no indication that he'd been here except for the web browser he left open to his flight schedule (bah!). just an empty apartment. i'm angry and bitter because i feel abandoned and not wanted right now.

i'm sure i'm being quite retarded but i am fully prepared to admit that i have little control over my emotions and they tend towards the extreme. that's me. it's how i've always been. it's not pms. it's me.

talked things over with a friend. i kinda hurriedly got off the phone with him because i saw the voicemail message light blinking. i was hoping it'd be from the man. no such luck. while talking to my friend he accidentally hung up. while i was trying to call him, he called me and left a message saying "hang up, i'm calling you". sigh.

yes. i know i'm pathetic.