This did not continue as it started.
Today was my first day at my new job. I was quite daunted. So much so that I feel that the after-feeling I have now needs to be remembered. I never intended to write a day-log.
It wasn't so bad at all. It was ok in fact. I know that it's only for a month or so until I go to Dublin to University (and beyond). But it is the first 'real' job I've had. I've had other small less structured 'under the counter' sort of jobs before, but not a proper nine to five one.
The other staff were really nice, and the person I'm replacing showed me the ropes a bit, as did the other guy there. I'm absolutely wrecked now, I'd forgotten how tiring actually working is. That, contrasted with the utter nothingness I've been engaging in as of late, made it a very long day.
I'm pretty scared about going to Dublin too. It's such a new huge change. It's going to completely rip my life around. Much like this time six months ago. 23rd February. That day is etched in my memory forever. I don't know whether or not I should say why. I half don't believe anyone else will ever read this properly, certainly not seriously or with a compassionate eye. This day 6 months ago, one of my two best friends, Philip Murphy, killed himself. That was difficult to type, very difficult. It's strange how you can go through so much 'coping' and still not be able to face up to the fundamentals.
I don't really remember the last 6 months. I saw someone on the street today that looks just like he did. And I thought it was him for a minute. Which was scary. They've all been a bit of a blur, until the last month or so. I've only just begun to feel human again. I'm sure that sounded really pretentious and stupid. But that's how I felt. Like some mechanical pretending machine. I only really feel like I'm getting back some choice into my decisions now.
I found a day-log by Marty here once that shocked me. It was written the day of the funeral. It really frightened me, because he was talking about the people who were really close to Phil, and how it must be affecting them. I don't think he ever really considered that I might read that. I can't imagine that he did.
I really am ranting. I'm going to stop before it degenerates into mindless (even more so perhaps) drivel. I'm sorry if you got this far, whoever you are. Whoever I am. Sorree.