Its odd, upon receiving an unsolicited apology email from an ex. (which,
interestingly, doubles as confirmation that he is semi-illiterate) I can’t even
remember the person I was when his opinion mattered.
It said, and this is verbatim:
“Since u wont even say hi to me anymore, and u haven’t responded to any
attempt ive made to talk to you, im just going to say everything right now because I have to. I dont why im serching for ur
forgiveness, years later, but i just couldnt of imagened being on the other end
of what happened and what i did to u. i really did care about you, and
somewhere and for some reason i still do, maybe it was becuase you cared about
me so much, especialy since i knew that i didnt deserve it, or i dont know, im
not trying to relive the past, or try and become buddies or mates with you, i
dunno i just think if i was you, id want answers and maybe thats the least i
can do for you after everythin. you said to me once that some of the reason why
u cant be fucked with guys is because
of me. you didnt deserve the way I was to you and i just cant forgive myself
for what i did, i know that sounds a little fucking gay and its a little
fucking late and all the rest of it but it is what it is, im not trying to fix
the past, im just trying to make some of the wrongs ive done in my life and one
of the biggest ones ive done was losing my best friend of 3 years, my
girlfriend, all becuase i didn't appricate how much they did for me. ill never
get a chance with someone like u again and i fucked it up and im sorry and i
dont want anything from you i just want u to know you were very special. there
im done, i know i sound like a fuck head but there it is”
Now, it’s worth saying that during the days and months directly after
we broke up, I avoided self destructive behaviour by reminding myself that
success is the best revenge. I decided to use the
pain I felt as fuel to better myself, I looked forward to the
day where I would bump into him, fat, balding and blithering, and would do a
victory dance in my head whilst listing off all the reasons why my life is
better than his. All of this would occur during the standard 'So, what
have you been up to?' conversation.
Surely then, this email is the stuff of closure-fantasy? Furthermore it
negates the need to be stunningly beautiful
and powerful and happy and loved and wealthy in order for the plan to come to
fruition. I got his guilt-riddled explanation plus an apology, and I got
it in writing. The reality was just me doing an internal 'wtf', followed
closely by getting on with living my life.
The only concession to the expected cold satisfaction which failed to
materialise, is that I can’t get that Connie Francis song, 'Who's
sorry now' out of my head.
The End.
(Also, for a bit of background – We were best friends, he led me to believe
he loved me, I lost my virginity to him, he became aloof and cold and put me
down all the time, all the while, he was on-again-off-again with his ex, and I was
the last person to know, and I was somehow convinced by him that this behavior
was my fault. Boo-hoo.)