Love Your Enemy
I've never been able to let this grudge go, but today may be the day. Several years ago, my very best friend in the world, J, ditched me in a not-so-honorable way. I won't go into the gory details because it's none of your fucking business, but suffice it to say I was hurt. Devastated. Betrayed in the worst way.
I've never gotten over it. I've rationalized, theorized, justified - tried everthing under the sun to move on and past it all, but couldn't let go. Instead I obsessed, cried, ranted, and generally made a mess of myself trying to understand what happened. Was it me? Was it her? Was it him (not what you're thinking, geez, you perv)? Understanding a situation is a huge part of my ability to forgive, but it's never happened in this case. I never knew why our friendship ended, and that knowledge is what I always needed to be able to move past the deep depression the whole thing left me in.
After confessing the whole incident and everything related to it to my old soul of a child, she (my daughter) hugged me in sympathy and ran off to shower. It gave me a few moments to reflect on what I'd bounced off of her sagely and compassionate person. I still love J, and that's my problem. She betrayed me, yes. She pained my heart even worse than a rape years before hurt my admittedly fragile ego. I don't understand what happened with her, or why.
But I love her still, and that's been my problem all along.
I've been angry more with myself because I spent all this time loving her, even after the fact. My little personal, egotistical attitude that one must leave behind those who betray your love has been telling my heart to hate her for what she did. I can't. And it hit me today that I don't have to hate her. Fuck you, ego - grow up.
I do love you J, even now. We had too many years of pure friendship to walk away. Yes, you hurt me. Yes, you abandoned me for reasons I don't understand. But I still carry what we had before, and not even you can take that away. I've been angry because I still held that memory, that love, but I don't have to be angry anymore. Yes, I still love you, J, even if you don't love me. And that's okay.
Sometimes pain is good. Sometimes pain is what reminds us that we still have a soul.