Can't be bothered to take showers? Trying to fit in with the
counterculture? Fear not, my oily companion! There are many ways to win
back your mother's heart by masking that revolting, shameful, and most
of all buttery mop-head of yours.
Starting with the obvious: wear hats. But not if it is too warm outside, or else you may exacerbate oil production.
- Brush talcum powder through your hair. If you
don't have talcum powder, use baby powder as a substitute - it's all the
same stuff. Talcum absorbs oil, but it might leave your hair looking
dry and electric. You must brush it through adequately, or rinse it
out; otherwise, folks will think you've greyed tragically and rapidly.
Also: talcum will straighten your hair in a very peculiar way, be
- Alternatively, brush potato flour, corn starch, or gravy thickener through your hair. These, too, absorb oil. Right? Maybe.
- Repeatedly explain to people that you've just had a shower, or were flushing water over your face in the bathroom.
It can be difficult to distinguish the subdued sheen of greasy hair
from the saturated glow of wet hair. You may come off as a water-hogging
anti-environmentist, but maybe you're cool with that.
- Wear essential oils. The smell of greasy hair can
become a dull and heavy odor. A bit like lard or molasses - it's
distinctive and unequivicollaly organic. If you combine this
with the smell of natural essential oils, such as lavender or
eucalyptus, people may associate the two smells and shrug it off as some
earthy, hippy musk. And not the bad kind, either. Not a funk.
- Become a goth, punk, or Serverus Snape.
We live in postmodern world, where counterculture mocks fashion, which
in turn mocks the discrepancy between the social and the biological.
What does this mean? You wouldn't get it. Let's just say that greasy hair is trending.
- Wear a severe part, just like in the 50s. You'll
look real formal, real sharp. People don't realize
that the perfectly-sculted hair in old black-and-white films was made
possible only by the pliant, remembering quality of greasy hair.
"Pomade," you'll lie, "works forgotten magics."
- Say that you may have lice, and that lice hate dirty hair.
Say that you're trying to ward off the lice. Unfortunately, this
strategy might turn your friends away, even more effectively than greasy
hair to begin with.
- Make up lab studies which have demonstrated physiological
benefits of naturally lubricated
hair. Because you believe that anyway, right. Hydralizing
shampoo? That's bullshit, that's a Baudrillardian simulacra, make like a duck and cast away thy critics.
- Shave your head. A naked man can't don ugly
clothes, a bald man can't don olive-oil ringlets. But another
complication may arise: pehaps you're the type with a scalp that shines
like a polished bowling ball. In that case, you may need to make a
compromise. Or, you know, learn to love your body. That
sort of thing.
Finally, as archan suggested above (ten years ago), give up!
Unwashed hair eventually comes to regulate its grease output. Be
warned, though: if you don't comb or brush you hair through, it may get
very slimy at the roots and very dry at the ends. If you're like me, or
my ex-girlfriend, or both of us, you could end up with
lumpy dreadlocks. Yeah.