"This woman is well known to have a strong and passionate temperament and to be lascivious in the extreme. She shouts so loudly when she makes love that the neighbors have to close their windows."
report September 18, 1748, somewhere in France
So that's about the woman who more or less invented modern drama, and there will be a node about her as soon as I'm finished writing papers. Writing is a funny thing for me. I have to do it, but it really fucking hurts sometimes.
Rather like my stupid love life, which has got me really, really pissed off just at the moment. Why, good God why is it that 15-year-old girls lack perspective on the fact that they are 15-year-old girls? I was socialized into a group of people when I was 15 who were all in their early 20s, and the men couldn't touch me, not because I was 15 but because my brother would have kicked their asses. Fine. Actually I think that's a good thing, but I never connected the fact that no one seemed attracted to me with the fact that Sean would have fucking killed them until like 3 years later. Out in the world I still go around like some dumb sheltered kid who doesn't expect anyone to be attracted to her. This isn't what adult life is like, even if you're ugly. Not really, not all the time. So because it never occured to me that I would ever particularly have to deal with a mutual affection situation, I didn't really learn to control my crushes. I learned to hide them pretty well for the most part, but I have no mechanism for stiffling an interest in someone.
Which brings me where I am now, with lots and lots of extra angry and sexually frustrated energy and a serious crush on my recent ex-boy friend's best friend. And that's it. Dork.
I loose a friend basically, because the two of us can't control ourselves adequately and I don't want anything to happen to his relationship w/ my ex-boyfriend. I thought for a while that continuing to associate with this guy was possible, but it doesn't look like it actually. On top of that, I've hurt both of the men in the process, from not having any idea what to do with myself, and from wanting the situation to come out in everyone's favor. It won't do. You deal with an odd number of people, and one of them is the odd man out. You challenge a strong friendship and you get what's comming to you. I should know that. I could argue that my ex-boyfriend is being immature and possessive by saying he would take it personally if his best friend even did anything with someone he used to date, but who cares? It hurts him, so it's not worth it, I have no reason to want to hurt him, and telling someone they're being unfair won't make them just *stop*. And there's nothing particularly unfair about his pointing out to me that, as a friend of both of ours, he'd have to listen to all the relationship crap. That would really fucking suck I have to admit.
nervous, angry, sexually frustrated energy is, however, great for pulling all-nighters with no caffeine!