So yeah. I'm exhausted, stressed out, bored with school and what have you. Today completely sucked. I got cut from my school's production of the vagina monologues, I had a depressing conversation with a boy last night, I slept through my first class, and feel totally alienated from everything. It's all about swinging between depression and rage. I've had a runny nose since late October and tomorrow is December. I'm hurting for money, and for places to stay between Milwakee and NYC in January because from the 20th of Dec to the 25th of Jan I will be homeless. I couldn't deal with any it.

Then this afternoon I was trying to give a shit about Etruscans (I swear if I had any grit this stupid paper would be written by now) and I was on my way to the basement to change my laundry over and get a soda, and I ran into Ariel. I asked her about tonight, because we were planning on going to the only gay bar in the county with a whole bunch of people here, and she said something like "God, it's so warm out you don't even notice it's like... OH MY GOD! LET'S GO SWIMMING IN THE LAKE RIGHT NOW!!!" I said "I'm nursing a..." she said "C'mon, it's the day before December. It'll be the craziest thing we've ever done."

I got up and put my bathing suit on under my pajamas (I was out of underwear), then put my winter coat on over that and grabbed my towel. The water level had gone down considerably since early October when we last jumped in, and we didn't judge it safe to jump in. This is probably wise, since what we actually did was take turns climbing carefully down the ladder from the dock and sort of falling backward off the ladder into the water (the ladder didn't anywhere near reach the water). Ariel went first. Then I was standing on the ladder being a chicken shit, and she said "you have to go, because I went." I said "I know." Then she mentioned frostbite, and I said, "Oh. Of course, this couldn't be anywhere near as bad as frostbite," and let go the ladder. I must have sort of pushed off a little bit with my legs too, because my back hit the bottom of the lake (no cuts from zeebra muscles thank goodness). Words like 'cold' and 'ice' don't really do this experience justice. When I surfaced I was gasping in surprise, but no sound came out, and Ariel said later she thought I was having a heart attack. Basically all of my muscles just up and quit in surprise for a few moments, so although I could breath, I wasn't sure how I was going to make the 2 steps to the ladder, and then climb up. She helped me up, and I stood there dripping, with a towel around me and smiled, my brain spinning.

From the dock, the other side of the lake was terribly white and indistinct, there were displaced geese all over the place, and we seemed to be the only humans anywhere. Everything seemed different, and the cold November Rain seemed so gentle and warm. Then we took warm/hot showers in the 2nd floor shower room, and I feel so relaxed. My muscle knots are still there, and my problems still exist, but for some reason they seem less black, less unbearable, less big, and my body feels better than it has in a long time. I think you can get stuck between depression and rage, and sometimes nothing but a severe shock will kick you out of it.

hell, If my day doesn't improve from being so cold and wet that I can't move, then I must have some kind of attitude problem!