"Today I met the boy I'm gonna marry..."
This is what it's like to lose yourself in another person.
Brian and I have been dating since sometime in February. We don't know when it started and we laughingly lament the fact that we are not "anniversary people", and recall the time it happened with stupor and surprise. We've met each others families but this is so not a big deal, not when they're such a big part of both of our lives and an unavoidable errand. He teaches school and I help with some of the projects, I am amazed with some of the things these ten-year-olds come up with. He likes my cat and we play cards together. We see movies and we plan to start writing music.
This is what it's like when God speaks to you.
We concentrate on bringing each other up; on making sure that our health is always a priority and that we do not become dependant on each other. (He's OCD and I'm depressive. Quite a match, we joke.) I drag him to the zoo and he talks about cars to me. We go to malls to people watch and it seems we are slowly falling in love--more like Oh, dear, I think I'm in love with you--and the rest of it, everything, is basking in the glowing aftermath. I pray about it, conscious of what the last "love" felt like when it ended, conscious of brokenheartpain, and wary of these feelings that seem sublime to what it's been like in the past. God sends me total confirmation, encouragement, comfort, and an answer to my wonderings in Brian. I realize the shocking reality of this but try not to think about it, and the "What if this is it!"'s start, but I supress them best I can.
This is what it's like to see into the future of your heart.
Brian tells me that he could happily be in love with me, not want to meet another girl for the rest of his life. We half-seriously talk about how compatible/incompatible we would be if we were married, conflicts on childrens names and stylistic issues for the wedding itself. We are both fairly if not completely eccentric, and these conversations mirror how well our personalities compliment each other. He comforts me and stays when I need him to, and wants me around as well. I help to loosen him up and ground him, while also lifting him up and giving him assurance. I start to wonder-but-not-let-myself-wonder. My parents love him (a miracle!), my cat loves him, he's good for me and it seems I am good for him. He's moving to Austin in two months and yes I worry about this but for some reason I push it behind other thoughts. We are both letter writers but mostly I just push it back and try not to think. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
This is what it's like to be somewhere you've never been before, feel something you've never felt before, be lifted up on a cloud of something and for me this is heaven.
"Today I met the boy I'm gonna marry..." And all I can think is OHMYGOD is this real. We're laying there on my bed and sometimes talking, sometimes sleeping, and Brian starts to tell me that he would like to marry me, is content with knowing that and feels no need to rush it. He goes on but something in my brain is picking up signals from someplace that must be heaven. Music starts pouring into my head and I KNOW. I've always thought you would know when it was the right one and I KNOW, I'm being told by God. Brian and I pray together and we're both crying, he starts talking about moving and how he's going to get me a promise ring. That settles it and marks the difference between sure and possibility. I am lightly sobbing as I envision aisles and white dresses and my sisters' weddings and my mother. I KNOW, I'm afraid to tell him but suddenly all the fear I've had for the future, always alone and lost and too weird for the world, all the fear is gone and I am comforted. I am sobbing gently and I press my face into his and my cheeks are hot and wet with tears but he understands somehow, without me saying anything at all. I burst and tell him everything, about the epiphany I've just had/am having, he starts to cry too and now We Know, and we're not afraid. It will be a long time, years, but we talk about it and know this is right and what we want. I cry for hours still but he understands, I am stricken with beauty and joy, and somewhere in there I fall asleep, happy.