I recently had a double experience of previously noded relationship problems; falling in love with my best friend, and then falling out of love with a friend. I have mentioned a bit about her in an earlier daylog, but it's basically your classic "Boy and Girl meet, become friends. Boy is totally crazy about Girl. Girl rejects Boy. Boy's already poor self-esteem drops like rock."
I love talking to her, being with her, making her happy, all of it. We can talk on the phone for four hours and it will pass by like it was just minutes. We trust each other and can tell each other anything. She is an amazing person and without a doubt my best friend. But she can also be pretty tactless at times, and she has on occasion mentioned meeting guys which she liked, was attracted to, or kissed. She doesn't do this to hurt me, she is just used to telling me anything and doesn't realize how I'm going to feel about hearing this.
Yesterday I told her that our friendship wasn't working, and that I needed to take some time apart from her and figure out some things. I need to resolve my feelings for her. I need to improve how I feel about myself. I need to deal with the fact that just because she rejected me, does not mean that I'm an awful person, or even that she thinks I'm an awful person. We talked about it for a couple of hours. Both of us cried a little bit, but I think we were both feeling somewhat detached in the moment. We have had conversations like this before, trying to figure out if what we are doing now was the right thing to do. And before, I always said no, it wasn't the right thing, because while she has done things that hurt me, I truly do want to be a good friend to her. But I realized that us caring about each other is not going to make me feel OK with how things have turned out, or make me able to deal with the fact that she is a 25 year old women who (while she rarely dates) does have interest in guys. Specifically ones who are not me. And because we are friends, me feeling hurt was making her feel bad, both due to being a cause of pain for me, and simply because I was her friend and I wasn't happy.
We talked, we hugged and touched and held hands and cried a little more, and then I walked home while she walked to her car. It was almost surreal, nothing seemed solid. Until I got home, when I realized that I might never see or talk to my best friend, the person I'm closest to in the world, for months or even years. Up until this point I had felt like things were under control, that we had done what we needed to do and that things were going to be OK. I rarely cry, and when I do it's typically just a few tears, the matter of a few minutes and a kleenex. When I got home, I sobbed for hours. It was like she had died.
But she's very much alive and moving around. And I hope she's doing well. And I know one day we will be friends again, and be able to share everything with each other like we used to. I miss you.
I have been doing weird things to my body ever since. I think it's to distract myself. I am trying to quit smoking (cigarettes). The last one I smoked was the one I had while she and I talked. I had a horrible headache last night after all the crying, so I drank a sake and Oxycontin cocktail and smoked a punch of pot to help me calm down and let me finally sleep. I think if I hadn't, I would have just stayed up all night crying. None of this (asides from not smoking) seems very healthy, and I know the alcohol and Oxycontin mix probably is downright stupid, but I don't think I'm pushing things that hard right now, and I need something to keep me from thinking about how badly I miss her. But I will need to find something a little more healthy in the medium to long term.