I feel downwordswards, I feel upwordswards, I feel backwordswards, I feel forwordswards, and it seems that there is nothing here to feel at all, absolutely nothing at all. Turning out outwordswards, I'm falling down a black hole and it's pure white noise. It's turning in turning inwordswards, the sound of billions of people screaming together.

In a cozy bed in my room a few dimensions away, my heart has stopped beating, rigor mortis has set in, and a twisted smile is undoubtedly stuck on my mortal face. I had most certainly died in my sleep, I think, like I had always hoped I would. Who would have thought what waited for me in the afterlife amounted to a massive cosmic vacuum cleaner whose rollers were jammed from picking up one too many jagged one-dimensional oscillating lines from the dirty cosmic carpet? It whirled us around and around but never had the mercy to suck us up into whatever was devised for us on the other side of the trans-dimensional vortex. After the initial fear wore off, a feeling of annoyance and boredom set in, a feeling that festered and festered within me until it had attained the French sophistication of ennui. If I still had a face instead of being a loose collection of glowing white energy, it would've have been red, beet red.

Back on Earth I loved beets.

Me: "So, God. Yeah, I was just wondering, you know, where the FUCKING white light you promised us is?!!?!!!?? This is ridiculous. I wish I didn't have time for this."

(St. Augustine waved hello to me as he whizzed by. He sure looked cheery. Jizang yelled, "we've already arrived, man!" from somewhere in the vast distance. Ibn Rushd just seemed happy that no one was burning his thoughts here.)

God: "Idiot, idiot, idiot, idiot. You poor little soulless bag of flesh. Or should I say, former bag of flesh? You didn't, did you? You didn't read the fine print, font size -10, that my lawyers, Seraph Kenneth Star and his associates, carefully printed on the bottom of every page of every religious text ever written by mankind, did you?"

"Heaven Corp. in no way the endorses the philosophies or beliefs of Jesus, Buddha, Muhammad et. al.; this is a paid advertisement and does not reflect the views of God or his network affiliates."

God: "We're still working out the kinks on this whole afterlife thing. It's taking longer than we expected. Bye! Have a nice day!"

Me: "Ccccccrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaapppppppp, tttthhhhiiiissss ssssuuuucccckkkkksssss."