Somewhat topically, I'm going to share with you a copy of a hastily typed holiday missive that I sent out to relatives, friends, associates, and strangers alike. It was all part of a nefarious, and I presume unsuccessful (if the presents under all of our Christmas trees were any indication), plot to assassinate Santa. Perhaps we could devise a more collaborative and coherent plot next year, using this failed but earnest attempt as a powerful inspiration:
thanks to the ever vigilant efforts of NORAD, we are one step closer to stopping the santa menace. living in an perilous era where terrorists would take our aircraft and fly these vessels into the world trade center and other national commercial icons, we must, as americans, protect our airspace from foreign intruders. as we all know, santa has habitually violated the airspace rights of governments the world round for centuries now. additionally, he has ignored all entreaties from nation states to amicably negotiate traveling rights on the dates of december 24 and december 25. first among our demands would be that santa submit to border inspections. as much as we all enjoy finding his presents under our christmas trees, it's no longer safe in this day and age to assume that beneath the all of the tinsel, wrapping paper, and ribbons, santa hasn't placed bombs and biological weapons in our homes. and if not santa, then it could be a terrorist in a whimsical costume committing the heinous acts. santa's rogue acts only make it more difficult for us to track hostile impersonators. we must capture him.
that is why on the night of december 24, in the interests of national security, i propose that the citizens of this fine nation join me in a cookies and milk vigil. we will point our web browsers to
http://www.noradsanta.org/en/index.html?utm_campaign=en_US&utm_medium=mapshpp&utm_source=en_US-mapshpp-na-us-gns-norad and wait for santa's sleigh to enter within a 500 mile radius of our homes. at this point, citizens are advised to leave cookies and milk out on their kitchen tables, along with this note. when santa enters your home (typically through a chimney if possible, or else an air vent), our intelligence gathering agencies, such as the CIA and FBI, have learned that santa will find it physically impossible to resist an offering of cookies and milk. as he reads this note you are to attempt to place him under citizen's arrest using any means necessary. after successfully arresting him, call the local authorities and follow their instructions. however, BEWARE, for santa is a particularly deceptive and crafty foe. he will undoubtedly try to escape. remain firm in your convictions, for you will be doing your country a great service. the santa menace will be off of the streets once and for all.
thank you people of america and good night.
I believe partially that the failure of this plot was directly attributable to people leaving out the more common 'milk and cookies' as opposed to the specific request of 'cookies and milk' made in the letter. It's necessary the goodies to be arranged that way if the spell is going to work on Santa!