"i've read some vonnegut, and i think that i'm past his philosophy at this stage. i read his last book (i think it was his last book, it was basically his memoir), and it had a sense of despair, a hopelessness, a feeling of man being overcome in his old age by all of the doubts that nagged him throughout his life. the dream was over, and all he had left was cold, sober reality. what i noticed particularly in this book was that the effects of modern technology on society are what really made him come to his grim realizations. and it's true. in the age of cell phones, myspace, cars, fast food restaurants, corporate logos, where every part of our lives is either man-made or controlled by man, it's not small wonder that the scrupulous eye can more easily see our flaws. we flaunt them like a peacock flaunts its feathers, on billboards, storefronts, our shirts, everywhere.

i had a funny thought a couple of days ago
. i was shopping for a new coat and i was looking at a pea coat. sure, i like pea coats, but i started thinking about how many people are wearing them these days. if i bought the pea coat i'd inevitably wind up sitting at a table with three or four other people who were all also wearing pea coats. later, when i was walking outside, i saw a large flock of crows flying in chaotic circles for a good minute or two, only to all settle on the exact same telephone wire at the exact same time. then i imagined us, making our ways haphazardly through the suburbs, going our different places, all buying the same style of coat at some point in a mall, eventually to all settle at the exact same table with the exact same style of coats on. funny, huh?

i realized that we're animals, that we spend a lot of our time just blindly following instincts, but also that the resulting behaviors are so complex, how can you separate what was instinct from what was free will? and let's face it, animals do some dumb things. like, try convincing a large herd of bison that grouping together and simultaneously attacking a small group of predators would be more effective than stampeding away in fright. here you have this terrifically powerful beasts, and all they can think to do with their daunting frames is run! that's what we call instincts and just because they happen to work doesn't mean that they're efficient or logical.

i personally feel that i have these flashes of sanity, this freedom from instinct that provides me with all of these philosophical insights, but all i can really do is marvel in dismay at the insanity of it all. no one wants to change and that's very unsatisfying for me. that's what i want. i don't care if someone shares my interests or shit like that. i don't need to be personally empowered. i just want to live somewhere sane, because this life is giving me too many headaches and i'm tired of it. i've been on this mad journey of discovery for about 10 years now, and i just want to be taken away. i can't handle it anymore. there's just no point. i'm sick and nauseous and i want to go home."