user since
Wed Jul 31 2013 at 04:25:04 (4.9 years ago )
last seen
Thu Aug 1 2013 at 04:27:51 (4.9 years ago )
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losers cry fair
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I've been known to memorize the lines of my co-stars and improvise my own.

My mother died giving birth to me and my father passed away 3 days later from grief. Both being only children I was left to fend for myself. Completely isolated, I was taken in by a pack of feral wolves until 16.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I've even been credited to have introduced cocaine to hollywood.

Nigella Lawson and I were high school sweethearts. I translate ethnic slurs for Oriental refugees, and have won the Pulitzer twice. Sean Connery comes to me for career advice (I advised against The League of Extraordinary Gentleman).

I'm an expert in crown molding, an outlaw in Peru and a ruthless lover.

I'm currently looking for financing. I'm considering fencing the Tete de Femme.

My plan is to provide opium free of charge, which will drive all other cartels out of business, while simultaneously increasing the number of addicts, and give my partners and I a monopoly.