Return to The Chopstick Diet (how-to)

[not[by Webster 1913]|Not] only will this diet guarantee weight loss, the Chopstick Diet will improve your manual dexterity, induce a state of inner calm, and create new neural pathways in your brain!

Unlike the recently touted [DNA[by RainDropUp]|DNA] DietTM, this diet is affordable! All you need is a willingness to try eating in a totally different way...and a pair of [chopsticks[by drownsurf]|chopsticks].

"What about carbs? What about fats and protein and calorie-counting and the beloved [Food Pyramid]?" I hear your cries and say, "[Matthew 6:34|Worry not]!"

If you're like me, perhaps you have a stash of leftover, unused [chopsticks[by anthropod]|chopsticks] from years and years of previous nights of take-out, as well as fancy ones you purchased or [Regifting|were given] as a [gift[by etouffee]|gift] in your Christmas stocking.

Using the chopsticks of your choice, begin the diet by simply practicing with your predominant hand, picking up one imaginary grain of rice at a time and slowly bringing it to your mouth. Repeat as often as needed. I personally did this while watching television, during muted commercial breaks. After you feel you have mastered this, switch the [chopsticks[by qousqous]|chopsticks] to your other hand and do the same thing.

Your brain may silently scream out, "Wait, but I'm [The sword fight scene in The Princess Bride|not left-handed or right-handed or ambidextrous]! I can't possibly do this!"

I'm here to tell you, you can. "[Matthew 17:20|...if you have faith the size of a mustard seed]..."
Forget that metaphor, at least in this context, especially the moving mountains part. Back to the non-predominant hand, just say to yourself, "this is easy. If [moeyz|that wacko] can do it, surely I can." Or whatever gets you over the hump of not believing in your as yet unknown ability.

Let's change it up from grains of rice to mustard seeds, just [BrevityQuest12|for the fun of it]. After you have the chopsticks positioned comfortably (it may vary from how your other hand does it; pay that no heed, as long as you can work the [chopsticks[by pottedstu]|chopsticks].) Pretend you're slowly picking up [Mark 4:31-32|one mustard seed] at a time and raising it to your mouth.

note: If the rice grains or the mustard seeds fall, there's no mess, as they're [imaginary number|imaginary]!!

Also, if it's more helpful to imagine something larger (again, the brain is screaming...just ignore it; change is good...); [a sonnet for my raisins|use imaginary raisins]. Are you getting the concept? Good, the rest is simple.

Basically, you eat whatever you normally eat, but you use [chopsticks [by LordOmar]|chopsticks]. The slow, deliberate motion of picking up as small an amount of food as possible and savoring the morsel (not mouthful) and alternating right and left hand will actually trick your brain into thinking you are full and satisfied in approximately twenty to thirty minutes. [Hypnosis[by DarkGamer]|You will feel relaxed]. You will eat less and enjoy it more. You will lose weight while gaining new skills! [Don't give up]!

disclaimer: This is not to be construed as medical advice nor to take the place of your physician's recommendations.

quotes: [NRSV] The New Oxford Annotated Bible with the Apocryphal/ Deuterocanonical Books, An Ecumenical Study Bible, completely revised and enlarged

[LieQuest 2013]

***Several kind users have informed me [The Chopstick Diet] actually exists. [To be or not to be|To be] totally honest I did not practice with real chopsticks as I claimed, but used plastic spikes that came from an Edible ArrangementsTM bouquet sent for Mothers' Day. While I'm at it, I must also admit that although I have ten fingers, four are on my right hand and [Six-fingered man|six] are on my left hand. That made it a lot easier to be married three times, a [my life in car years|fact] I'm often shy about divulging, especially since I'm [rumspringa|half-Amish].

***Apparently, we have a self-admitted [I'm fucking addicted, OK?|chopstick addict] among us, but I'm not naming who it is. Also, another kind user referenced an "old chinese proverb: man who eat with one chopstick never have problem with obesity". I'm assuming the use of "man" includes women, but in my opinion that philosophy would bypass the concept I tried to get across and could result in desperate stabbing of large chunks of food. [I think my cats are missing the point|Stabbing and large chunks of food] being the operative words that negate the whole premise of my approach. Perhaps I should rename it [Chopstick vs. Fork|The Peace Diet Using Chopsticks].

***Users are coming out of the woodwork to confront my lies, or lack thereof, but there is another chopstick user who agreed with the logic of my diet, only to confess that they had learned to use chopsticks while really watching TV and using [Captain Crunch|non-imaginary Captain Crunch]. I can spot a true liar when they spell out Captain, instead of using the correct form [Cap'n Crunch|Cap'n].

***I should not have mentioned [Fight Club|the stabbing that could occur] if one believed the Chinese proverb to be a literal reading (one chopstick). There is among us an [Happy Meal|enthusiastic Cheeseburger] Lover, who will probably gain weight, lose the side benefits of relaxation and new neural pathways. [Marching to a different kettle of fish|There's always someone who marches to the beat of a different drum]...thank goodness!

***I would be remiss if I didn't include the latest rather dire comment from a concerned user, who was thoughtful enough to include links: "due to protein [chirality], I must stress that [hand rotations] while relocating imaginary grain or seed may cause unintended health consequences."

***While I am thoroughly enjoying the variety of comments, I must remind my fellow readers and writers, THIS WAS A FAILED ATTEMPT TO ENTER [LIEQUEST 2013]. I say this because a helpful, but perhaps confused reader sent me a message regarding [false advertising|the packaging of gold-edged-Einstein spoons], given as a birthday gift, which claimed to "Improve IQ!" I thanked them for the response, but was thinking, "Einstein's Golden Spoons", good band name. Quick research shows the band name is not taken, however [Einstein Bros Bagels] is a real company that is on the same Google page as [Golden ratio[by mblase]|Golden] Spoon, a chain of frozen yogurt establishments. Both usually hire only females. I sense a [conspiracy].