This is from chapter 9 of the Book of the SubGenius
. It is also known as the Brag of the SubGenius
SHUT UP OR STAND UP!
A fragment. Transcribed
from a cassette tape recording made at a seance
"I PICK THE GOD DAMN terror of the fucking gods
out of my nose! Pardon my language
. But YEEEEEHAW, let the sons of God
and man bear witness! Even in the belly of the Thunderbird I've been casting out the False Prohets
; I'm busting a gut and blowing my O-ring
, and ripe to throw a loaf! For I speak only the fucking Truth
, and never in my days have I spoken other than! For my every utterance
is a lie
, including this very one you hear
! I say, `Fuck'em if they can't take a joke!
' By God, `Anything for a laugh
', I say. I am the last remaining Homo Correctus
, I am the god damn Man of the Future
! I'll drive a mile so as not to walk a foot
; I am a human being of the first god
damn water! Yes, I'm the javalina humping junkie that jumped the Men from Mars
! I drank the Devil
under seven tables, I am too intense to die, I'm insured for acts o' God and Satan
! I was shanghaied by bodiless fiends and alien jews from a corporate galaxy
, and got away with their hubcaps
! I cannot be tracked on radar!
I wear nothing uniform, I wear no god damn
uniform! Yes baby, I'm 23 feet tall and have 13 rows o' teats
; I was suckled by a triceratops, I gave the Anti-Virgin a high-protien tonsil wash!
I'm a bacteriological weapon
, I armed and loaded! I'm a fission reactor
, I fart plutonium
, power plants are fueled by the sweat from my brow; when they plug me in, the lights go out in Hong Kong! I weigh 666 pounds in zero gravity
, come and get me! I've sired retarded space bastards across the Cosmos
, I cook and eat my dead; YAH-HOOOO, I'm the Unshaven Thorn Tree of the Atlantis Zoo
! I pay no taxes!
The Devil's hands are my ideal playground! I hold the Seven-Bladed Windbreaker; the wheels that turn are behind me; I think backwards
! I do it for fun! My imagination is a fucking cancer
and I'll pork it before it porks me!
The say a godzillion
is the highest number there is. Well by God! I count to a godzillion and one! Yes, I'm the purple flower of Hell County
, give me wide berth; when I drop my drawers, Mother Nature
swoons! I use a python for a prophylactic; I'm thicker, harder and meaner than the Alaskan Pipeline
, and carry more spew! I'll freeze your seed before it hits the bathroom tile! YEE! YEEE! I kidnapped the future and ransomed
it for the past, I made Time
wait up for me to bleed my lizard
! My infernal breath wilts the Tree of Life
, I left my spoor on the Rock of Ages, who'll tear flesh with me, who'll spill their juice? Who'll gouge with me, whose candle will I fart out? Whoop! I'm ready! So step aside, all you butt-lipped
, insecure bespectacled slabs o' wimp meat! I'm a Crime Fighting Master Criminal
, I am Not Insane!
I'm a screamer and a laugher, I make a spectacle
of myself, I am a sight! My physical type cannot be classified by science, my `familiar' is a pterodactyl
, I feed it dipshits! I communicate without wires or strings! I am a Thuggee, I am feared in the Tongs
, I have the Evil Eye
, I carry the Mojo
Bag; I swam the Bermuda Triangle and didn't get wet! I circumcize dinosaurs with my teeth
and make 'em leave a tip; I change tires with my tongue and my tool! Every night I hock up a lunger and extinguish the Sun! I'm the bigfooted devil
of Level 14, who'll try to blow me down? I've packed the brownies
of the gods, I leak the Plague from my nether parts, opiates are the mass of my religion, I take drugs!
Yes, I'm a rip-snorter, I cram coca leaves right into my arm-veins before they're picked off the tree! Space monsters
cringe at my tread! I wipe the Pyramides off my shoes before I enter my house. I'm fuel-injected
, I'll live forever and remember it afterwords! I'm immune! I'm radioactive!
Come on and give me cancer, I'll spit up the tumor and butter my bread with the juice! I'm supernatural
, I bend crowbars with my meat ax and a thought! My droppings bore through the earth and erupt volcanoes in China
! Yes, I can drink more wine and stay soberer than all the heathen Hindoos in Asia! YEEE HAW! Gut Blowout
! I am a Moray Eel, I am a Komodo Dragon, I am the Killer Whale bereft of its pup! I have a triple backbone
, I was sired by the Wolf Man, give me all your Slack!
I told Jesus
I wouldn't go to church and He shook my hand! I have my own personal saviors, I change 'em every hour, I don't give a fuck if there's life after death
, I want to know if there's even any fucking Slack after death
! I am a god damn visionary, I see the future and the past in comic books
and wine bottles; I eat black holes
for breakfast! I bend my genes and whittle my DNA with the sheer force of my mighty will! I steer my own god damn evolution
! I ran 'em out of Heaven and sold it to Hell for a profit! I'm enlightened
, I achieved `Nirvana' and took it home with me
. Yip, yip, YEEEEEEE! I'm so ugly the Speed of Light can't slow me down and Gravity won't tug at my cuffs! When the Rapture comes
, I'll make 'em wait! They'll never clean my cage
! Now give me some more of..."
(Tape runs out.)