I was contemplating my own perfection when it dawned on me that, well, I just don't give enough back to the e2 community. So for all of you the jilted, the confused, the terminally stupid; I give you this:

An advice column authored by a misanthropic megalomaniac,
carefully tailored to meet the needs of the neurotic, the paranoid and the substandard.

You must be so excited. It warms my cold brittle heart to see your eyes light up so.


Anyway, this is the way it works:
  1. Create a write-up here asking me your question about life, love or some such trivial crap
  2. Pollute my e-mail box with your emotionally diseased ramblings by sending them to:


    and I, your benevolent leader shall:
  1. Take pity upon your life, resisting the urge to simply put you out of your misery and bestow an infallible answer to your shallow questions.
  2. Cruelly turn my back upon you, allowing you to gaze briefly upon my warm hearth before slamming the door in your face; leaving you alone and cold, at the mercy of the dark snowy night.
  3. Simply make fun of you and not even attempt to answer your insultingly commonplace inquiries.
  4. Kill you outright.
Don't be afraid, there is only a marginal chance of pre-mature termination; I've been in a good mood as of late. So send in your... whatevers and I shall probably do something witty and we can all have a good laugh at your expense.