Are you stupid? Do you have no experience with people in the real world?

To survive in the waitressing game (which is not a game as that statement implies, it is more a soul-sucking waste of your valuable life) you need many skills that will help you survive your time working on the food chain. These include, but are not limited to:

*The ability to lie.

You take an order from customers and spend the next half hour serving other people. Then you realise... oh no... you forgot to give the order to the kitchen! What to do?

Answer: Lie. First, tell the customers there was a mix-up in the kitchen. Make vague references to the crazy chef (they're always so temperemental, you know what creative people are like) and promise it will be out soon. Give the order to the kitchen with the express direction to make the meal ASAP- it's for two heart surgeons on their lunch break. Situation averted, you're cool.

*Look busy at all times.

Follow the George Costanza school of business and always look kind of pissed off and busy. This works as a two-fold activity; a) you can get away with a lot more when a customer can clearly see you're run off your feet- of course you haven't had time to make that coffee when you've got so much work to do, and b) if you spend your time doing menial tasks like folding napkins you won't get asked to carry the plates to the kitchen or do the washing up. You're using your initiative. Keep up the good work.

*Suggest Sir or Madam tries the bread or a salad with their meal.

If practiced often enough, and in a clear and ringing tone, your boss will notice that you're up-selling the product, which will lead to higher profits and, ultimately, a possible promotion for you. Plus the customers will be impressed by your superior menu knowledge and great ideas and you may get a tip as a result. This is highly desirable.

*Get the bill to the table as soon as possible.

In Australia, tipping is a rare occurrance, but here's a trick which may help your financial status. Instead of letting the customer make their way to the register before getting the bill, take it to them. There are three things which may occur-

a)They will leave an amount of money with the bill which is a little over the requested price, but they don't bother waiting for the change so you can pocket it

, b) They put some money with the bill then wait for their change at the table- if this happens people will often be embarrassed about taking the $2 change (or thereabouts) and will mutter "You can have it" before they run out the door, or

c) They will take the bill to the counter anyway. This is the worst choice as people will often forget they're in a restaurant and think they're just in a normal shop, like a clothes or food store. And how often do people get tipped there? In Oz, never. A big loss for you, my friend.

*No matter what, be polite.

This will make you look like a saint and everyone else will appear mean-hearted and crazy. Besides, you can be polite and still spit in someone's food if they're that bad.

Good luck with your job. Whether you're waitressing to support yourself through school, just trying to pay your internet bills or you've got nowhere else to go, it's a career move which is... interesting. It will teach you about people, and most of them are insane in one way or another. Cool. Don't say I didn't warn you.