I don't want to make this mistake but I can see myself slowly drifting towards it. I can see myself sitting alone in an empty apartment at the age of forty-five. I can see myself regretting not doing anything in my youth. Not living. Not loving. Not taking any risks. I can see myself in twenty-five years thinking back to when I had it all. I can see myself sitting in mountains of regret.
I am commited to this day forth of not winding up as I see myself winding up today. I will begin to make changes. So fucking what if I get momentarily hurt or if I feel the pains of rejection shooting through my heart. It will only be momentarily, it will be better than sitting alone at forty-five wondering what the fuck I was thinking all that time ago.
I do not want to end up alone looking back on my youth and regretting that I did not take chances, that I was too afraid to approach that girl. I will not see that girl in twenty-five years in the arms of another and me left thinking that I could have had her if only I tried. I am sick of sitting alone at the end of the day watching others go by having fun while I make snide and cynical remarks to myself only increasing my hate.
I will begin to change. I will no longer make these remarks. I will look at every man and woman and see the best in them. I will no longer just pick out their flaws based on the way the comb their fucking hair. Who gives a fuck if they are only wearing Abercrombie. I am not selling out. I am beginning to learn how to look at everyone nonbiased. I do not know when my hate started to grow towards people, but after tonight my outlook will change. I will begin to take these risks and if these risks turn out to be disastrous at least I can look back when I am forty-five and tell myself that I truly did live. Well, those are my thoughts on this night when I am reflecting maybe it was all bullshit and if I stay the same as I am now I'll end up fine. But I doubt it.