conversation overheard on the phone

He was so spun out, on so many meds... He got so angry at his mom that he actually kicked the car windshield out!

Now, if that was my kid, I would have pulled over the car and beat him to an inch of his life.

Of course, it would never have gotten to that point.

That was the quote that started my day, heard from the cubicle behind me. I'm sure it was sent by god to test the resilience of my empathy. Goddamn people. Now, a person on the other hand...

The personality disorder survey was amusing, as it afforded me the convenience of reading each of those writeups. While I might appreciate the comfort and encapsulated explanation of one of those labels, I think it comes down to something as simple as, 'I'm fuct up.' I did end up choosing borderline however. So much in this life is sick and dizzying to me. I am prone to self-medication to the point of abuse; oblivion-seeking is what I'd call it. Definitely not healthy.

Sometimes I'll listen to Simon and Garfunkel and hear I am a rock. I am an island, and think 'damn, for the most part of my life that has been me.' I've really only been able to afford an outlet through intoxicants. Imagine what a heady rush that is. Not just mind-bending psychoactives, but the full-force of emotion built over a lifetime. What a sweet ride.

But I am not so mind-bendingly psychoactive these days. A warm touch, place to sleep, and food are all I really need. Maybe it's just the warmth.

Of course, women are as mind-bendingly psychoactive as ever. Soul-stealing, blood-boiling little sprite-pixies born before the mists of time to bedevil the minds of men. And so while I may have traded some old vices for new ones, some form of balance has been achieved. I am still an avoidant and repressed, but when my emotions do come out - just do yourself a favor and get the fuck out of the way. How this jives with me being an Aries, I have no idea.

If you have been keeping tabs, you know that there is a woman who has been haunting my steps of late.

The quick rundown is, girl comes into two best-friends lives after over a year. She has recently broken up with her boyfriend, and if we cannot assuredly guess what her intentions are, rebound is definitely in the cards - they're stacked and she's the dealer. She used to date my best-friend over a year-and-a-half ago, and so I consider that something may rekindle between them - a detached thought. In the meantime she's looking for a job, and I just happen to be the IT manager over at a hospitality company, her chosen field. Why yes, of course I'll give my boss your resume. Wouldn't you know it, she was hired, and we were soon spending everyday together, many nights, and countless phone-calls were shared between the wireless transmitters that grew from our heads. It was only a matter of time before this happened.

And then there was the aftermath.

A whirlwind love adventure that was doomed from the start; short-lived, but passioniate in its desperate desire to live. It was not long for this world.

But goddammit she works right fucking downstairs from me. I get to listen to her laughter as she jokes confidingly with another man. I don't spend my lunches exploring San Francisco with her anymore. She is a sore tooth that I keep tongueing (no pun intended; well, maybe a little). I blaze resilience, fortitude, and rage in the depths of my being simply to retain sanity. Simply to put her out of my mind and do the job I am meant to do, which actually at the moment is: take care of my own goddamn self. I am TRYING to forget.

May god have mercy on the souls of all intelligent beings.

So goodbye, my sweet sprite-pixie. I'd warn the world of you if I didn't retain just a tinge of bitterness. As it is, they're going to have to figure it out for themselves. I still miss you, and I don't hate you, but I must forget you for a time.

And that is all I can promise.