Just what the hell is MySpace anyway? Is it a launchpad for bands such as Panic! at the Disco to gain notoriety? Is it a target-rich environment for pedophiles on the net? Maybe it's just a convenient way for teenagers to wax idiotic about their favorite movie/song/TV show and thus avoid doing homework. No wait, I've got it, it's vacuous space readily available to any Flash-wielding advertiser sans brains or conscience. Actually it is all of these and much, much less.

To the MySpace obsessed, I can with no clear conscience warn you away from spending an excessive amount of time on an internet site. But then, conscience has rarely stopped me before...

Please, please, please stop creating MySpace "sites!" They are an affront to every sensory experience the computer can emulate. No, that low-quality, mangled clip of a Sublime song does not neatly encapsulate who you are or make me want to know "who you really are." In fact, it's just pissing me off as it causes my browser to crawl in loading your page because the song is served through a neat little plugin that accesses an ad-clogged, low-bandwidth server in The Czech Republic. Anything worthwhile that you might have written is nearly impossible to read contrasted against the dark, grainy and TILED(!?) pic of you and the love-of-your-life. But, I do appreciate how you've explored every color of the rainbow in selecting your fonts.

They spend the kind of time at MySpace that I used to spend playing video games or reading books. In a scary turn of events, the they that I use to distance myself from such addle-witted users is increasingly insufficient. They're taking over. We're talking excessive here. And in the media I'm being deluged by fear-mongering outlets and fear-addled parents about the dangers and evils of the site. I've an account since all this claptrap started, and because of my reconiassance I feel secure in saying, "Parents, please calm the fuck down." I see nothing at all revolutionary about the site. It certainly is not original enough to allow for the evolution of some new virtual evil, and if we're just talking about the same old traps, what's everyone getting so worked up about?

Now there are themes available to these design defunct degenerates, and we are supposed to believe that MySpace has in fact raised the bar. OK, I'll agree that sometimes I don't rip out my eyes from their bleeding sockets upon a page load, but what comfort is that when I have to read mostly stolen song lyrics? (If only I had ripped out my eyes from their bleeding sockets!) Don't simply take my word for it, but rather consider this gem:

if you or a friend want to loose wait please send your food to koogs.At the givethatmuthfukaacheeseburger.org the more people who join will keep koogs full.This message was brought to you buy the carnivourus peoples assosiation1

Of course I could've found something much worse to support my vitriolic argument, but I didn't want to spend more than 30 seconds looking for it. This isn't love-hate, this is hate-hate. But in fairness I will end by saying one good thing about the site. It is a fuckwit magnet and keeps the traffic at other sites free of MySpace users.

HateQuest... bitch

1. For a glimpse of this example's beautiful design, visit
but be forewarned that you should probably rip out your eyeballs from their bleeding sockets beforehand. (edit: sorry, but time has caught up with my vitriol - you will have to use your imagination, count yourself lucky)