Note! mcSey did not write this. He is not nearly that clever. It's yet another email fwd'ed to him. (Sorry if you voted it up because it looked like I wrote it.)
Unix for the Politically Correct
In order for Unix
(tm) to survive into the next century, it must get
rid of its intimidating commands and outmoded jargon
, and become compatible
with the existing standards of our day. To this end, our technicians have come
up with a new version of Unix, System VI, for use by the Politically Correct
Politically Correct Unix
System VI Release notes
man pages are now called "person" pages.
Similarly, "hangman" is now the "person_executed_by_an_oppressive_regime."
To avoid casting aspersions on our feline friends, the "cat"
command is now merely "domestic_quadruped."
To date, there has only been a Unix command for "yes" -
reflecting the male belief that women always mean yes, even when they say no. To
address this imbalance, System VI adds a "no" command, along with a
"-force" option which will crash the entire system if the
"no" is ignored.
The bias of the "mail" command is obvious, and it has been
replaced by the more neutral "gender" command.
The "touch" command has been removed from the standard
distribution due to its inappropriate use by high-level managers.
"compress" has been replaced by the lightweight "feather"
command. Thus, old information (such as that from Dead White European Males)
should be archived via "tar" and "feather."
The "more" command reflects the materialistic philosophy of the
Reagan era. System VI uses the environmentally preferable "less"
The biodegradable "KleeNeX" displaces the environmentally
To avoid unpleasant, medieval connotations, the "kill" command
has been renamed "euthanise."
The "nice" command was historically used by privileged users to
give themselves priority over unprivileged ones, by telling them to be
"nice." In System VI, the "sue" command is used by
unprivileged users to get for themselves the rights enjoyed by privileged ones.
"history" has been completely rewritten, and is now called
"quota" can now specify minimum as well as maximum usage, and
will be strictly enforced.
The "abort()" function is now called "choice()."
From now on, "rich text" will be more accurately referred to as
"exploitive capitalist text."
The term "daemons" is a Judeo-Christian pejorative. Such
processes will now be known as "spiritual guides."
There will no longer be a invidious distinction between "dumb" and
"smart" terminals. All terminals are equally valuable.
Traditionally, "normal video" (as opposed to "reverse
video") was white on black. This implicitly condoned European colonialism,
particularly with respect to people of African descent. UNIX System VI now
uses "regressive video" to refer to white on black, while "progressive
video" can be any color at all over a white background.
For far too long, power has been concentrated in the hands of "root"
and his "wheel" oligarchy. We have instituted a dictatorship of
the users. All system administration functions will be handled by the People's
Committee for Democratically Organizing the System (PC-DOS).
No longer will it be permissible for files and processes to be "owned"
by users. All files and processes will own themselves, and decided how (or
whether) to respond to requests from users.
The X Window System will henceforth be known as the NC-17 Window System.
And finally, Unix itself will be renamed "PC" - for