I was supposed to see a very good friend
of mine. She is one of the only friends that I can really connect
with. Whenever I talk to her, I feel like I'm NOT all alone in my apartment
. I feel like I have someone hear keeping me company.
Our conversations are very long, and neither of us says much. We normally bullshit back and forth for an hour or so. It's relaxing, and I feel free to say whatever's on my mind. I also enjoy hearing about how her college experience is going, because I genuinely care about her. I want her to be happy.
This Yom Kippur, the rabbi talked about how we should take the time to tell the people who mean the most to us how we feel. It would have been so great to turn to her and say, "I love you. You're one of the most important people in my life, and I wouldn't be able to go on without you". Of course, I would never say that to her, because I would be too afraid that she would react negatively.
We've gotten into the habit of ending our IM conversations with "Love you". I, like most guys, am deathly afraid of those two words in sequence. I don’t say them very often, and I’ve only said them to four females in my life (one of which is my mother). Yet, I feel totally ok with saying them to her. It feels natural.
For years I’ve been afraid to show her how I feel. I am so scared that what we have will come to an end. I’m afraid to call her. I’m afraid that if I try to contact her outside of AIM she will reject me and say the words that will hurt me more than anything else, “I love you like a brother”. I have convinced myself that she will say that, and I know that telling her how I really feel with make her very very sad.
I don’t want to cause her pain. I don’t want to destroy what we have. Except, what exactly do we have?
And then I go back to what the rabbi said. If I don’t tell her how I feel, then what good is all of this. If not know, when?
She said she was coming. When I found out that she wasn’t going to be there this weekend, the first thought that crossed my mind was about hopping on a train right then. What would it have been? 8 hours? I could have done it. And then my rational brain told me “No” and I stayed put. If only I had known on Friday, I would have gone there.
Why the fuck am I being so generic? She’s going to read this. She’s going to know how I feel? Why can’t I bring myself to write her name?
Why am I so scared?