It’s hard to forget your first girlfriend. When you’ve been searching for someone for 21 years, and you finally find a girl who doesn’t run away, it’s hard to think logically. This is the story of how I dumped my first girlfriend.

My high school experience was unlike many other nerds'. I had no friends. Girls ran away from be like I had the plague. I looked at the popular kids and thought, why am I the only guy without a girlfriend?. I would hear about the parties the day after. Sex. Beer. merriment. And I wanted so bad to be like them.

I finally graduated and went off to college, pledging never to look back. I promised myself that people would be different there. I was, of course, totally correct. Not only were there parties, but then even the nerds had girlfriends. Everyone was having a good time, and I was totally, completely alone.

Three years went by. In that time, I pledged a fraternity, joined the newspaper, and through that, I learned how to interact with others. No longer do I make people pissed at me every time I open my mouth. I’m no longer scared of talking to new people, of giving speeches, or of calling people. I’m no longer a loser.

One day last October, I met a nice Jewish freshman girl who I didn’t scare away. It was a miracle, I thought. She must be one in a million. She’s smart. She’s cute. She likes me. We have a lot in common. All of my hard work bettering myself had paid off.

It’s easy for me to look back at the months that followed, and see that this wasn’t going to work. More and more I was finding myself annoyed by what she was doing. It seemed that everything she did was wrong. She could never participate in a conversation. She had no friends besides me.

And then it began to make sense. I had no problem relating to her because we had the same sort of experience growing up. Not surprisingly, she was exactly where I was when I first came to college. The problem was that I was no longer that person. I thought we had a lot in common, but I found that I’m not the same person I used to be. Every time I look at her, I see the person that I was freshman year. I see the scared, anti-social person who does everything he can do to make sure no one likes him. I see the geek who’s so concerned about school that he never wants to go out. I see someone who hates who they are, and refuses to believe that anything about them is likable. I see the same self-destructive behavior that I once exhibited, and it makes me want to break stuff.

But was that any of that a reason to break up with her? She can change. I changed, so she can too. For a while, I tried to get her out of her shell. I brought her places. I told her about the clubs I was in at school, and about the ones that she might be interested in. I gave her a push, and it clearly wasn’t enough. She stood firm.

Should I spend my senior year of college on someone who I don’t like? After thinking it over, I concluded that I wasn’t getting what I wanted out of the relationship. Sure, being intimate with someone is great. But the time had come where I wasn’t happy. I wasn’t getting what I wanted out of the relationship. When I realized that, I no longer had a choice.

So I dumped her. I dumped my first girlfriend. My reasoning that I told her was that I was holding her back. At this time in her life, she should be concentrating on making friends, and that I was distracting her from that. I tried to explain that it was probably in her best interest that I break up with her, and that I liked her too much to stay with her. I doubt she bought any of it.

I’m taking the breakup very well, because I have a strong network of close friends who are supporting me. They’ve been calling non-stop since I broke up with her, and I appreciate their support. My ex-girlfriend, on the other hand, it’s taking it well at all. She’s depressed, and I feel responsible. Today, I’m filled with self-doubt. I’ll probably never know if I made the right decision. She’ll eventually move on. Most likely she’ll grow up and learn the same lessons I did and then meet someone like I did. She’ll be ok, and I think I will be too. But there’s no way to tell.

1/12/05- The conclusion of this essay is horrible. Of course we were both going to be ok. It takes time to figure things out, and college is the best time to do that. To this day, i don't regret any aspect of this relationship or the breakup.

Update 2009- I still think about her, and it bothers me that we don't talk. I've moved on in that I know we weren't a good match. It still would be nice if we kept in touch.